Close to hell
by NaryaRingofFire
Summary: Sequel to Far from Heaven Michael, Gabriel and Raphael try to settle into the new situation with more or less success. This would be enough drama to last them for years, but when did archangels ever get off that easily? The apocalypse is approaching and when the cage opens and Lucifer get thrown into the mix everything they achieved might just fall apart again.
1. Lucifer I

**Hello and welcome to the sequel to Far from Heaven. Only took me half a year, but here it is. If you don´t want to read the first part, you should be able to understand the basic situation from Chapters 2-4. Although I would advise you of course very much to just go and read it :)**

…

Pain.

Pain and hatred and the cold.

People think hell should be hot and maybe that means that the cage should be hot too. Maybe the cage _is_ hot, objectively speaking.

Still, huddled in the corner, hands pressed to the sides of his head, feeling like he is about to explode any second from raw emotion, he feels incredibly cold, a coldness engulfing him, swallowing him, freezing him to the spot, freezing him to memories and more memories, always the same memories in an endless, unbreakable circle.

He is the devil and he can´t forget.

He wonders if this is his punishment and when he was first thrown into the cage, he would have laughed about the mere thought in scorn. Memories and grounding, was that Father´s idea of punishment? If he had known, he would never have had begged.

But of course Father was weak and wrong, as was Michael and they would never defeat him like this. They could lock him away, but he would always be there, the shadow in their memories, the dark spot in their minds and one day he would rise again, only strengthened by the time they had foolishly given him to plan and to fuel his hate and then they would pay, oh, how they would pay.

He couldn´t believe that even they were stupid enough to give him so much time to prepare.

That was when there was still scorn left in him. Before he learned that having nothing to do and being assaulted by your past, without a moments peace, could be the worst torture there is.

Before the pain, the cold and even his own hate, the hate that was supposed to fuel him and make him strong, beat him down and devoured him, twisting him beyond imagination, beyond what he could have ever done to himself by his actions.

There is no time in the cage and sometimes he wonders, if time is passing at all. If Michael is still standing on the edge, looking down, to where he just tossed his brother seconds ago. He remembers the cold look in Michael´s eyes, when he watched him fall, the absolute absence of emotion, how he stood tall and straight on the edge, while the other one screamed and fell and fell and fell.

Cold.

Why is it always the cold that gets him?

He thought a lot about Michael at first, hoping that the hate would warm him. He imagined how he would torture the brother that betrayed him, how he would rip him apart bit by bit, reducing him to a babbling idiot, begging for forgiveness.

The problem with that fantasy is, that he always has to kill Michael sooner or later. He doesn´t hesitate a second, not ever, feeling triumph burn through him, concentrating so hard, that the scene becomes almost real, that he can feel his blade twisting through Michael´s flesh and into his grace, carefully, slowly, making it last. He listens to Michael´s screams and it is the sweetest music in his ears and that's the moment when his enemy´s eyes turn glassy with pain and death, just before his grace explodes.

He never gets further than that part though. Michael´s glassy eyes remind him too much of the cold look, when Michael pushed him into the cage and that rips him right out of his sweet revenge fantasy into the painful memory of falling, cold eyes mercilessly observing his way down, like he doesn´t mean anything, less than dirt, like they never were brothers, like the garden never happened, like there is nothing left between them and he is falling, falling, falling and he never hits the ground.

He grips his hands deep into the walls of the cage, almost glad of the refined space, glad that he isn´t dangling in free air, that having hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

That is, till it starts feeling, like the cage is falling with him trapped inside and he wouldn´t mind crashing, wouldn´t mind hitting the ground, would love to feel that sharp, shattering pain, instead of the numbing one his memories inflict, but he can´t stand the sickening weightless sensation of the fall itself, make it stop, makeitstop, MAKEITSTOP!

He doesn´t know who he is shouting to. He certainly isn´t praying and he certainly doesn´t expect to be heard.

No one ever listens.

No one ever did.

Expect Raphael maybe, but Raphael betrayed him too, in the end.

Michael always gave everyone the feeling that he was listening, but he never bothered to try and understand.

He hates Michael for never understanding, for always making him feel safe and then betraying him, he hates Michael for choosing Father and his mud monkeys over him and (maybe most of all) for _winning_. Always winning.

Because no matter how hard he tries in his fantasies, he can never finish them, never kill Michael. Those glassy, cold eyes have a power over him, that makes him whimper and crawl, until he tries to ban Michael from his thoughts altogether, but he never leaves, always there, always _winning,_ always criticizing him, like they are still in the garden, like he is still raising him, like he still has the right and it´s enough to make the devil scream for mercy.

No one listens anyway.

No one cares anyway.

No one ever listened.

No one ever cared.

Pain and hatred and the cold for ever and ever.

Does it matter if time is passing outside? Does it matter if his suffering has been a heartbeat for Michael, or if centuries have passed? He will never get out anyway and for the first time in his immortal life, he really understands the meaning of eternity, making him feel like he is falling again, like he never stopped.

There is no scorn left, no pain grounding him, even his hate is flickering out and he curls up, knees pressed to his chest, forehead resting on his kneecaps and doesn´t know how long he stays like that, till disgust at his own weakness gets him up again.

He is the Devil, the monster that dared stand up against God and his precious humans. He is free will, he is the morning star and they will never get him down. He is the one who will rise again and show them all what death and destruction means.

He is Lucifer and he is cold, so cold.


	2. Michael I

**Special Wednesday update for Sekkiera. She knows why. :)**

He imagined a lot of different way this conversation would go. He imagined Naomi looking at him incredulously, asking a million questions, raging as he takes away her work and her special, prestigious position, that he once forced her into and that then came to please her more than it ever should have. Or maybe her just accepting the order, teeth grinding and fire in her eyes, but not daring to disobey.

Well, actually that´s what he hoped for. He should have known it wouldn´t be that easy.

"So, what do you say?", Michael snaps at the younger angel, once one of his favorites, before he broke her and she got near impossible to control, standing in front of his desk, looking at him with something remarkably close to pity. He shouldn´t react to that look, shouldn´t take the bait and he knows it, but he can feel her eyes clinging onto him with that strange, offensive expression and it´s driving him crazy.

She should rage. She should feel cheated and hate him again. She shouldn´t _pity_ him, for some unfathomable reason.

Naomi hold his gaze and looks straight into his eyes. Pity and...contempt? Well, contempt goes in the right direction at least. "It´s your orders, Michael. You want no more reeducations to take place, so I won´t disobey you"

"You better won´t", Michael replies sharply and almost dismisses her. Why make things more complicated than they have to be, after all? He has finally given the order he has delayed for a week and she will obey. Naomi´s position and power she has over the other angels might make her a bit cheeky – so cheeky sometimes, that everyone else would be sent to reeducation for her remarks -, but she knows who she owes her position to and how easily Michael could drop her. She has never once disobeyed a direct command.

She will obey and he should leave it at that. What does it matter how she looks at him?

The need to be in control and the anxiety that made him establish the reeducation system in the first place kick in full force and Michael has to swallow a wave of nausea.

It matters.

Of course it matters how others look at him.

Naomi is still standing in the exact same spot, when he looks up from the desk, hands unconsciously curled into fists. Patiently waiting to be dismissed.

Oh, the perfect little soldier.

"And what do you think about it? Personally?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Am I allowed an opinion?" Bordering on sarcasm, but not quite sarcasm. She is good at this game and he hates it.

 _No. You can go now._

"Yes", he says, trying hard to sound surer than he feels. "Yes, of course you are. I asked"

 _Allowing people opinions, means that you can´t only chose the ones you like anymore._ Gabriel told him that, anger flashing in his little brother´s eyes. Michael quickly pushes the memory away. For once, he doesn´t want to think about Gabriel.

"I think it will never last", Naomi says, blunt and to the point.

"What do you mean?", he grunts out, guiltily pleased to finally feel a little fear escape from Naomi´s direction through her carefully constructed shell. She has started to show him a tiny piece of what she really thinks and he won´t let it rest. Instead he´ll drag it out, unraveling her, until he has heard everything he wants to know. She knows how this is done and she knows he doesn´t need weapons to hurt.

But neither does she.

She takes a deep breath, steeling herself for what´s to come. Pushing the fear back into the shell and letting determination wash over it. This is a game and they are two of the main players in heaven.

"I mean, that Gabriel makes you think, you can do without me. Without reeducation. He has been nagging you to tell me off all week and you have given in. You think you can be better than you are now. You think you can turn back time"

She stops, maybe shocked by her own boldness. Maybe it´s a pause for dramatic effect, that is certainly something she would do. Michael sits leaned back in his chair, trying to seem at ease, but her words are pounding in his ears, making his muscles tense and his fist ache for his blade.

"Go on"

No more than a whisper, but even a human could hear a needle drop in the room now. Fire in his eyes. Fire in Naomi´s eyes. She won´t back down easily, that much is clear.

"

You can´t" The simplicity of that statement is enough to make him clench his fists again. "I know you, Michael. I know how this started. You made me, Michael, you made me and gave every single order for reeducation yourself. You are glad to have Gabriel back, no, more than glad, overjoyed, so you want to humor him, but the truth is, you can´t stand people talking back at you. You hesitated a week before calling me, even though Gabriel has been pestering you all the time and you never denied him anything before"

"That´s enough!" Michael´s voice has come down to a low growl. "I asked for your opinion on banning reeducation, not for your opinion on Gabriel!"

Most angels would have shut up long before that point and almost none would have dared to pushed it even further. When Michael uses that voice he means business. Ironically the two angel, who aren´t fazed as much by it as the rest are Gabriel and Naomi.

"Oh, but this is all about Gabriel" Power play, he realizes nauseously, this is the same sort of power play he used to play with Raphael, secretly urging his brother to hit back. Only if he hits back in this case, Naomi will have won.

"He isn´t used to keeping his mouth shut, never will be, if you continue like this. He will always tell you what he thinks, always claim his freedom and one day, it´ll be too much, or he´ll hit a weak spot and you will explode. And the day after you broke Gabriel, you´ll call me again, needing my services, because you can´t live with..."

"ENOUGH!"

She is scared now. Not even Naomi is so mad, not to be scared of him now, as he gets up, glowing and terrifying, every inch an archangel, the leader of the heavenly host, God´s oldest.

But he is shaking beneath the surface and he is afraid she knows it. Because her words hit, like only the truth can.

He found Gabriel curled up in the garden only a few hours back, tears on his his little brother´s face, his whole body shaking with barely repressed fear. He remembers anxiety for his little brother´s safety immeadiately sweeping over him, swallowing him whole.

He remembers gently pulling Gabriel close to him, rubbing his back, as his little brother sobbed into his chest, his heart breaking at the sight of Gabriel trying to hold back the tears, but failing again and again.

He almost managed to calm Gabriel down, but then, for some stupid, overbearing reason he insisted on knowing what was wrong, even though it was clear at that point his brother was suffering some sort of flashback, that he was unable to talk about yet. But Michael couldn´t just leave it at that for the moment, at least till Gabriel didn´t look anymore like he could shatter into a million pieces any moment, oh no, the leader of heaven needed to know.

And of course ruined everything again.

Gabriel refused to answer, Michael persisted and within seconds they were shouting at each other, Michael´s anxiety suddenly replaced by rage, a deep, dark rage, he couldn´t control, because why couldn´t his brother just _tell_ him, he _needed_ to know, how could he ever keep his brother safe if he didn´t know what was going on with him and he doesn´t even remember what he shouted, only that Gabriel pulled away from him at some point, fear and anger written clearly over his face.

That brought Michael back to sanity, realizing with horror he had scared Gabriel away, when his little brother needed him most, but at that point it was already to late. At that point Gabriel was already running and following him would have made matters even worse.

 _You made him run again. It hasn´t even been a week and you made him run again._ _And of course then you finally went to Naomi and told her to stop reeducations, which you could have done days ago. As if that makes you a better person._

He almost releases all his stacked up anger at himself against Naomi. But that is exactly what she wants. That is what would prove her point.

Although he proved the point well enough himself scaring Gabriel away.

"Michael?"

Raphael really couldn´t have chosen a worse time, to plop in, eyes wide with anxiety and fear.

"Yeah?", Michael snaps at him, over Naomi´s head and Raphael almost doubles over with fear.

Damn it, why is this so hard?

Don´t shout at Raphael.

Don´t brainwash people who tell you their opinion.

Don´t insist on knowing everything.

How can he be so comically bad at keeping these new rules, that should have been obvious all along?

He forces himself to calm down. Attacking Raphael now, would be the worst possible thing to do. Either that would lead to Raphael being too scared to speak, or to him snapping back into mindless soldier mode, which would basically bring them back to square one.

"What is it, Raphael?" He tries not to sound intimidating, he really tries, but as always fear makes him bite at everyone who happens to behave like a target. After Gabriel ran from him, he charged Raphael with keeping an eye on the youngest archangel, just to make sure the kid wasn´t alone doing Father knows what to himself. And now Raphael barging in, radiating fear… Michael quickly grasps over the archangel bond for Gabriel, feeling nothing.

His brain shuts down.

"I lost Gabriel" Raphael´s voice is barely reaching him through layers of panic.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU LOST HIM?"

Raphael is shaking like a leaf. Naomi is watching with curiosity, which makes Michael want to smash her through a wall.

 _Back on square one._

He almost wants to cry.

"I mean, he noticed I was watching him and he didn´t like it and now he isn´t in heaven anymore as far as I can tell"

"But he wasn´t desperate anymore", Michael bursts out. "I didn´t push him over the edge, did I?"

 _Please not, please not, oh, Father, no, please not._

"I...I think he just needed some time alone after you..." Raphael isn´t able to finish the sentence and that scares Michael more than he wants to admit.

 _After you trailed him the whole week?_

 _After you shouted at him in the worst possible moment?_

 _After you screwed up again?_

"I need to find him", Michael announces shakily. "Raphael, with me!"

"He won´t thank you for trailing him, when he wants some alone time" Damn, how did he forget Naomi is still in the room?

"I don´t care", he snaps, before he can stop the words from leaving his mouth. Naomi isn´t stupid enough to answer, but her eyes say it all.

 _That´s how it starts._

For once second he is sure that he won´t be able to contain himself. That he will hit Naomi, sent her flying through the room or worse, despite knowing that this is what she wants, despite knowing that that would mean her victory.

For one second he is sure she has won.

Then somehow their eyes separate and he rushes out of the room – rushes, not runs, that´s important- yelling for Raphael to follow him.

And as Raphael follows him instantly, not quite in mindless-soldier mode, but eyes already slightly glazed over, ready to retreat, Michael has the sickening feeling, that ultimate loss of control or not, Naomi has won anyway.

 _Back on square one._

He wants to vomit.


	3. Gabriel I

The sounds of New York at rush hour are vibrating around him and he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his whirling thoughts, even though he already knows that endeavor is bound to fail.

People are everywhere, noisy and busy, occasionally shoving at him, when he gets in their way, but no one even looks at him. That´s fine, that´s how he likes it. Surrounded by people and tons of possible distractions, yet anonymous. No one nagging, no one annoying him; he can decide when he wants to jump into the crowd and get attention.

Freedom.

Perfect.

He presses one hand to his face and wishes he could still actually believe that bullshit.

He tries so hard not to think about heaven. About Michael. And definitely not about how he himself put Raphael in the line of fire to escape it all.

He swallows hard, trying to keep his messed up emotions down.

It´s not like he hated heaven when coming back, not at all. He was so glad to be back there, to have escaped the Norse, to have a Michael he could understand, to have Raphael and Balthazar and all the little ones (No, not little ones, they are anything but little now) he didn´t even mind the more drastic changes. The sterile corridors. The jail. The rigorous schedules. Michael´s eyes never quite leaving him. He just smiled and resolved to make the best of it. Resolved to give it all a chance. Trust in Michael´s will to change.

 _Well_ , Loki whispers in his ear. _Didn´t I teach you to never trust anyone or anything? Your own fault_

 _if you want to get hurt._

Gabriel pushes his fists deep inside his coat pockets and tries to calm down and not let Loki get the best of him. He is stronger than this now. And it was just a moment. Sure, Michael behaved like an utter jerk and should have really left him alone and now he needs a moment on earth to collect himself, but it was nothing world changing.

Just a moment to calm down, then he´ll go back to heaven.

 _Are you sure? Because you just saw the Michael, you were afraid would come back sooner or later, if you stayed in heaven. After just one week there he was. How can you ever trust Michael now?_

Just a moment to calm down, then he´ll go back to heaven.

If only to get Balthazar.

An hour has passed and the only productive things he has done, are bringing his shields back up to maximum and stocking up his dangerously depleted reserve of real chocolate.

Further than that…

He wants to go back to heaven, he can´t stand the thought of loosing all the little things he has won again, over one incident, but there is the nagging fear at the back of his mind, that this wasn´t just one incident, that will most likely never happen again and that he should just get over.

That this just was Michael how he is now.

That Gabriel has stepped into the trap after all.

He bites into another bar of chocolate, crunching the wrapper into a tight, little ball, and throwing it at the closest "No litter" sign. He doesn´t want to go back to heaven, but at the same time he wants to go with all his heart.

He wants to go and get Balthazar out, but if he decides not to run after all, no need to unnecessary wrap Balthazar up in this.

Is he overreacting? Is he not reacting strongly enough?

His heart is racing way too fast and he can almost feel Frigga, digging his own blade into his skin. He sees the way the little ones look at him, like they expect him all to safe them, the way Michael seems to never trust him with anything, expecting Gabriel to find a way to fall into his own blade in the garden, or something like that.

Then this morning in the garden, Michael shouting at him, hands grabbing for his collar and for one moment Gabriel´s instincts are all flaring up, hand reaching for his blade. He wonders if Michael would even see the blade coming in his rage and suddenly he feels sickened by his own thoughts, his own increasingly bloody thoughts, no, he won´t attack, he never does if he can help it, so he throws himself back, expertly twist out of Michael´s grip and runs, why is he always, always, running?

Running where exactly?

 _Where are you going?_

And a dangerous, stupid, stupid idea starts forming in the back of his mind. Because actually there is one place that has held a strange attraction on him for the last week, one he has kept away from till now, afraid of what it would awaken.

He doesn´t know which part of him decides to go anyway, but he has the sinking feeling it´s not Gabriel.

"There you are" Her smile is feral, her eyes dark. "I knew you couldn´t keep away"

"Shut up", Gabriel hisses. His heart is pounding way too fast again and he can´t believe he is really doing this. Can´t believe he just knocked two of the little ones out to see Kali. He is in so much trouble, no matter how this conversation goes.

She grins at him, trying to seem as strong and confident as always, but there is something in her eyes, something he recognizes all too well and for one moment he has to swallow hard. Balthazar told him about what Michael did to Kali a few days ago, in one of the rare moments they were able to shake off the overprotective archangel. Gabriel remembers his little brother talking in a hushed voice, never really looking him in the eyes, almost the same as when he was talking about his own torture experiences in Bali. That was the first time since he returned, the nagging feeling that heaven wasn´t what he wanted after all, almost overpowered him.

There are no scars on Kali. There are no scars on Gabriel either, the only reminder what Frigga did to him just a week ago being how fast his grace still weakens and a few silly moments in the garden, including one, Michael really shouldn´t have interrupted.

Angels and Gods always carry their wounds on the inside and if someone sees those wounds anyway, they tend to attack.

"What did you do to my guards, Loki?"

"Don´t call me that!", he hisses, already wondering why he ever came here. Why on earth he did this to himself. He knew exactly how Kali would be. Easy to anger on her best days, trapped and tortured Michael has turned her into a wounded animal in the corner. She can´t afford to show weakness, so she´ll attack anyone getting too close and she has a lot of ammunition on him, maybe the most anyone in the world has.

And he isn´t back at full strength, neither mentally, nor physically. So what is he doing here?

"Oh, right, I forgot, little angel. Though you certainly aren´t behaving like one. And neither is your brother"

This is the closest she´ll ever get to admitting Michael has gotten to the core of her and loosened some things that should never be touched by anyone. Gabriel thinks of Balthazar´s description of what Michael did to her and barely suppresses a wince. His little brother gave next to no details in his hushed report, but somehow that makes it worse. As it is, his mind is unrelentingly filling in the blanks of what was too brutal for Balthazar to talk about.

But then, it´s not really about brutality. Gabriel hates to think about it, but he is sure his little brother can stand watching a lot of violence and he never really was on friendly terms with Kali. The reason why Balthazar couldn´t look him in the eyes when talking about Kali´s torture, is shame that he is still following someone who is that at ease with torture and has done who knows what to him in the past.

And only looking at Kali Gabriel can feel the same shame rising up in his throat like acid.

Yes, Kali betrayed him and left him to die, but one of the reasons why he liked Kali was her open dangerousness. She never pretended to be nice or cute or whatever. They had a connection that went way beyond sex, but deep down they both assumed it would end with betrayal. How else was it supposed to go with a goddess of destruction and a trickster god? A white-fenced house, two kids and a dog never was an option anyway.

And having hidden his true identity for centuries, actually he betrayed her first.

So, he isn´t really surprised what Kali did and that´s why it doesn´t hit that hard. Michael on the other hand…

 _He is_ _your_ _brother! He always promised to keep_ _you_ _sa_ _f_ _e. To keep all_ _angels_ _safe. And now look at Raphael. Look at Balthazar, look at little_ _Cassie, look at all of heaven and yeah, look also at Kali if you have to. Remember when he threw Lucifer into the pit? Remember how he grabbed you today? Why do you still think you are safe?_

"Gabriel?"

He snaps around and oh, shit, he lost track again, this is happening way too often lately. Somehow he forgot he is still in front of Kali´s prison cell (he still isn´t over heaven _having_ a prison), but somehow she hasn´t taken advantage of his weakness. Which probably means, she is playing nice now to later take advantage of him big time.

Fucking great.

"Shitty family reunion again?" Wow, she even got her eyes to soften. "That´s becoming kind of a theme with you, isn´t it?"

"Well, it´s a shitty family", he gives back, not even bothering to fake a smile. "And also, it´s none of your business"

"Of course not"

"And this act won´t lead you anywhere Kali! I know you, you were never sweet, you are only submissive if you want something and even then you suck at it, so just STOP IT!"

He hadn´t meant to shout, but now that he has started, he wants to keep on shouting. It takes a tiny bit of pressure of his chest, makes him feel a bit more alive and at the moment even little improvements are addictive.

But the prison isn´t that far from heaven´s main corridors and he already feels guilty enough for having knocked out the two little ones at the door (he couldn´t even look at their faces and irrationally hopes to never finds out who they were), so better not send more little ones down here. Or, Father forbid, Michael.

So he thinks to start a casual conversation, which in the given circumstances is absolutely impossible, which is why he decides on starting an interesting one instead.

"So, why haven´t the others come to get you yet?"

Her eyes tear into him in fury. "Your family isn´t my business, my family isn´t your business, got it Feathers?"

He waits.

"Also, with all the Norse drama going on, they are probably busy gossiping"

He waits.

"But they will come"

He waits.

"As soon as they notice I am missing"

He waits.

"Which will probably take years, seeing how often I just vanish. Shit, I was never good at social stuff"

And the connection is back, Gabriel dimly realizes. The connection that made the joke of a relationship between a goddess of destruction and a trickster god about more than kinky sex. They both run away more often than not. They both desperately need to talk to someone. And sometimes the relief of being able to tell someone who _understands,_ even if that someone is twisted and unreliable, is worth all the risk of betrayal. That´s why they always gravitate back to each other. Who else would listen to a goddess of destruction or a trickster gods problems? Who would even give a shit?

And the fact that he came to her, that he still needs that drop off, even though he has his siblings back now, is way too telling.

And when she finally asks the ultimate question, the question of why he is here, the question he couldn´t even answer to himself a minute ago, the truth spills out, like it never could with Michael.

"Because I don´t know what to do. Because I don´t know if going back to heaven is all I ever wanted or a sweet trap. Because I´ve been Loki for centuries. I´ve been the Trickster for centuries. And I don´t even know anymore, who Gabriel is supposed to be!"

Kali looks at him for a long time, dark eyes drilling into him and seeing way more than she should. She knows what he actually wants to do, but he won´t be able to admit it was his idea, so she has to say it out loud first. Which, given the circumstances, she does with pleasure.

"And what stops you from being Loki again, if you want to?" 

And as easy as that, he is almost sobbing with guilty relief.

…

Balthazar has the sinking feeling that he is too late, as he races through heaven. He also has the sinking feeling that even though Gabriel certainly won´t allow reeducation on him, Naomi will find another way to make him suffer for just running off.

 _That is if I even succeed in bringing Gabriel back. If not...well, shit, who needs memories anyway?_

It´s not like Gabriel is even officially missing, but Michael isn´t the only one who has been a bit paranoid lately. And Michael isn´t as good at hiding his feelings and thoughts from the younger angels, as he thinks he is.

When his bond to Gabriel was gone again, Balthazar turned slightly cautious, but he didn´t yet panic. During the last week, the youngest archangel has, much to Michael´s and Balthazar´s displeasure, shielded himself now and again for no apparent reason, sometimes out of habit, sometimes because he wasn´t used to the intensity of the bonds anymore and it just got too much for him to bear.

So, Balthazar turned his full attention on Michael. And when he felt barely concealed panic, stabbing through the all-angels bond, he was up and about in a heartbeat.

He has only returned to heaven to save Gabriel´s life and stayed because Gabriel wanted to give heaven another chance. He is willing to try, but if Gabriel is running again for one reason or another, then Michael finding him first can only result in disaster.

Later he isn´t sure anymore how he gets the idea to look in prison. Most angels avoid that part of heaven at all cost, including Balthazar, but he remembers how Gabriel asked him about Kali and seemed pretty affected by the fate of that traitor bitch after all. And having looked in most of Gabriel´s favorite place already and not eager to face the myriad of possibilities should his big brother have gone to earth, or created himself a handy dandy pocket universe, he decides to give it a shot.

The moment he sees Thaddeus and Nathaniel on the floor, he knows he is right. He stares at the two unmoving figures for a bit longer than he has to to determine they are still alive and that´s when the feeling hits him right in the guts.

A sudden blast of rage curses through him, starting somewhere in his subconscious, making his stomach drop, and wishing the two angels on the floor dead with surprising fervor. He closes his eyes and rides the feeling out, till the itch to grab for his blade and stab Thaddeus and Nathaniel where they lie subsides.

Fucking reeducation.

He always suspected that git Thaddeus to be involved anyway, but Nathaniel? Shit, heaven is a mess.

Those assholes probably deserve everything they get, but the thing about reeducation is, that Balthazar can´t even be sure if this sudden feeling they did something to him is true, if he can even trust himself at all.

Also, he just wants to find Gabriel and not get in more trouble than he already is in for leaving his post, so maybe impulsive murder, based on unspecific memory flashes isn´t the best thing to do.

He settles for kicking both of them in head, hoping they will feel it at least a bit, when they wake up, then continues down the corridor.

Gabriel is fiddling with the lock of Kali´s prison cell, while the Hindu goddess is watching him with...surprisingly not triumph, more like mild interest.

"Gabriel! Gabriel, what the hell are you doing?"

His brother looks up and for one moment, Balthazar has to fight the urge to turn around and flee. Those eyes...there _is_ Gabriel in it somewhere, there _is_ confusion, terror and a plea for help, but it is all almost blacked out by the fury and determination layered over it.

"Stay away, Balthazar", Loki hisses at him and Balthazar slowly raises his hands over his head, backing away a few steps, thoughts racing like crazy.

He knows that in a clear state of mind Gabriel would never hurt him.

But he is also sure, that right now, Gabriel is confused and trapped inside himself badly enough, that there is no way telling what his brother is capable of.


	4. Gabriel IIRaphael I

"Gabriel?"

Oh, and of course the younger angel has to try it again, like a stupid name is going to make everything alright. As if this wasn´t already complicated enough. Loki grits his teeth and focuses on unlocking the cell. He shouldn´t have a problem with this, he really shouldn´t, but it seems Michael has gotten quite good at shutting people in and make sure they stay there over the years and also he can´t seem to concentrate for some reason.

"Gabriel, look at me!"

Well, how could he concentrate with that annoying brat blabbering behind him? There is a tug deep in his stomach at that thought, he knows he is being mean, but at the moment he needs to be to stay on top of the situation.

Be an asshole or drown. Story of his life, really.

He quickly meets Kali´s eyes, who is looking at him encouragingly, then he turns around, careful to keep his posture relaxed and a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, and would you also shut up?" He casually aims one hand at Bal...the brat and the younger angel gets cut off mid-sentence, staring at him wide eyed and no, his heart doesn´t break at all at the desperate choking sound Balthazar makes in the second before Loki adjusts the spell to not even allow that anymore.

Not at all. Also, he should really stop calling the brat Balthazar in his thoughts, that´s making everything worse.

And the young angel on the floor should stop looking at him, like he just straight up murdered him. Some people really make a lot of drama, when you briefly take away their ability to speak.

Still, the pain in those eyes and the mute choking as Balthazar continues to try and force words out – that utter idiot, the spell only hurts, if you try to go against it, if you just stay silent, it´s completely painless- have him on edge. He needs to get Kali out NOW, get away from Michael, heaven, all of this mess; he is ready to so anything if it returns that warm feeling of being in synch with himself, from the moment he decided to be Loki again. A feeling which Balthazar of course just had to go and ruin right off the bat.

A bout of fury shoots through him and he yanks at the bars in pure frustration, even though he knows fully well that´s not what will make this work. He just needs to calm down for a second…

 _Gabriel, come on, this isn´t you. Also, could you please stop doing whatever you did to my throat, I feel like I swallowed a forest fire._

"Just fucking stop trying to talk! It wasn´t supposed to hurt!", he shouts back, before he realizes that a) Balthazar just found a way to communicate with him and b) he is totally messing up being Loki too. None of which are really surprising, thinking about it.

Sure, he shut the bonds off, but Balthazar is just down the hall and pretty determined, so the chances of him mentally getting a message through, especially with Loki loosing it as hard as he is right now, are pretty high. And as to screwing up...well, was there ever anything he DIDN`T screw up?

On top of not knowing how to be Gabriel, he is also not sure how to be Loki anymore, he realizes with a pang. Also Loki is way too close to the whole Frigga-Baldur-Hoder-mess he originally wanted to forget as quickly as possible. Great, so where does that leave him to go? He hesitates to try the Trickster...that one was pure desperation from start to finish.

"Earth to Loki. You still with me?"

He snaps around and sees Kali, looking at him critically. "Please don´t tell me you will throw an angel tantrum", she sighs. "Even with no glass around, it still hurts in the ears and I would love to avoid that"

"I´m not the one famous for throwing tantrums", he snaps back and holy shit, where did that come from? If he can´t control his thoughts about Lucifer anymore, he is even more unstable than he thought.

 _Well, I would probably be unstable too, if I would keep on insisting I am a person I am not. Ever had the thought that all of this is Gabriel and you should stop trying to keep it separate so desperately. Because I am pretty sure you are doing it actively._

Yes, Balthazar, very helpful. Doesn´t make his mind spin even faster at all. Hurray to annoying little brothers, who suddenly decide to play psychiatrist.

"And how would you know?", he snaps, even though answering is only encouraging Balthazar and making him loose more time and if Michael finds them in this situation, their minds are all toast and he´s also pretty sure Kali is trying to get his attention and how did he get himself this deep into shit again?

 _Because I know you, you jerk._

"Knew me!"

Balthazar finally shuts up mentally as well as physically and this should be a triumph, if Loki or Gabriel or the Trickster or whoever he is or supposed to be, didn´t have the gutting feeling of just having crossed a line he really shouldn´t have crossed. He can see it all too clearly in the way Balthazar shrinks back, trying to shrug off the sting of those two tiny words and miserably failing. For one moment the younger of the two angels opens his mouth in an attempt to protest, till a harsh jolt of pain reminds him this possibility has been crossed off the table a while ago and he slumps against the wall in exhausted defeat.

Sometimes Gabriel really, really hates himself.

Kali isn´t trying to talk to him anymore- she knows that right now her best chance to come out on top is not to push it-, so the corridor is completely quiet and he has never dealt well with silence.

He almost snaps at Balthazar to say something, but that would really make jerk move of the year and despite what some people think, winning that was never really his intention.

"Sorry, kiddo", he says instead, still not quite knowing who he is or what he is going to do, only that he would rather skewer himself with his own blade, than see Balthazar choke on pain one more time and know that he is the asshole responsible for it. "Really sorry, I don´t even know..."

He lifts the spell, then sinks down next to Balthazar, burying his face in his hands, feeling that he could end that sentence in a hundred different ways and still not come close to exhausting the possibilities.

Balthazar is slowly turning his head towards him, sweaty and utterly done, but a spark has returned to his eyes and the first thing he says with his renewed freedom of speech, immediately succeeds in confusing Gabriel even more.

"Gabriel, you are safe" His voice is still raw from abuse, but he is keeping it low and steady, as if he is talking to a traumatized puppy. "You know that, don´t you?"

"Of course, I´m safe!", Gabriel snaps back, trying to sound haughty, but he can´t completely stop his voice from quivering. "The freaking problem is, I just proved _you_ aren´t safe anywhere close to me!"

"I´ve had worse", Balthazar is dismissing it in a way guaranteed to make everything even more guilt-tripping and Gabriel is wondering if it´s really possible that his all-but-innocent little brother is really blind on that eye. "And if you know you are safe, why are you jumping to defense all the time, huh? And don´t you dare say that´s not the point, because Loki is like the biggest defence and you just tried to use it"

"I did use _it_ " And he tries very hard not to think about how much his brother talking about Loki as anything less than a person insults him.

"Well, Kali is still in her cell, isn´t she?", Balthazar winks. "Also, we should maybe get out of here and do this heartfelt talk somewhere else, because she is listening to all of this"

Kali hisses at him in frustration, to which he immediately replies with: "Oh shut up, I though you said you didn´t like soap operas"

"Okay", Gabriel murmurs, staggering to his feet, one part of him wanting to run back to Kali and loose himself in Loki, another wanting to hug Balthazar tight and never let go and he is standing above the deep dark chasm somewhere in the middle and he has no idea how long he will be able to hold that balance and which decision will cause more pain in the end. "Let´s go. But not back to heaven, please not back to Michael"

Balthazar shoots him a worrying look. "But we are coming back, aren´t we?"

"Yes, of course we are. Some time. Probably. Look, let´s just go! Come on!"

They go. And when Gabriel turns back to look at Kali´s reaction, she doesn´t seem defeated at all. Of course she doesn´t, he figures, dread searing his stomach like acid. Because he just showed her Loki can come back and is able to hurt even Balthazar. And if Loki can come back that fast, when Gabriel still has a lot of interest in holding him back for the sake of a new start...well, she probably won´t have to wait long for it to be permanent.

…

"So...what happened between you and Michael?"

Gabriel groans and aims a pillow at Balthazar, but actually he is grateful his brother gave him as much time as he did before confronting him. The younger angel stayed silent, during a frantic worldwide candy shopping trip, didn´t say a word when Gabriel decided to sneak into a hotel luxury suite and only shrugged when the archangel suggested to spend the night watching Titanic.

That last one was a test and the result more than slightly worries Gabriel. Balthazar has been uncharacteristically quiet since they left the prison, always staying a bit behind Gabriel and watching him, like he was a time bomb that could go off any second. From what the older angel gathers from the carefully reopened bond, Balthazar mostly worries that Gabriel would hurt himself with that explosion, which again does nothing to ease the archangel´s scorching sense of guilt.

After the Titanic test, Balthazar almost looked like he was about to speak up, but then apparently decided to give Gabriel some more time to gather himself. They spent that time watching Tom and Jerry cartoons just to give their eyes and minds something to focus on. Gabriel is pretty sure he has never watched Tom and Jerry that intensely before.

Balthazar waits five episodes to start the topic of Michael, with is both more and less than Gabriel expected.

"We argued", Gabriel replies, trying to shrug it off as nothing, even though he would be really surprised if Balthazar didn´t see through that shit in a second and there is definitely a lump forming in his throat. "It escalated. I ran"

Which of course is the most generic answer ever and doesn´t tell his little brother anything he couldn´t have figured out himself, but Balthazar doesn´t seem like he expected much more and turns his attention back to the cartoon. Gabriel sneaks a quick look to the side and his little brother is all tensed up, reluctance clearly written over his face. He wonders how angry Balthazar is at him. After the stupid silencing spell, he wouldn´t blame his little brother for anything.

What Balthazar says next takes him completely by surprise, although it probably shouldn´t.

"You and Michael...you just shouted, didn´t you? It was just a verbal fight, he didn´t...loose control?"

Despite the clear fear in Balthazar´s face and his own memory of Michael grabbing for him with that eery blankness, Gabriel has well learned to hate, in his eyes, Gabriel almost starts to laugh. Or maybe because of it, emotions work in strange ways. "You mean, if he brainwashed me?"

"More if he tried", Balthazar corrects, stone faced. "If he tried and you ran. And don´t you dare laugh this away, because I´m serious. If he tried, there is no way we are going back"

"Balthazar, he hasn´t been letting me out of his eyes the whole week! He gets a panic attack if I stub my toe, you yesterday said yourself that he tries his best! And yet you think him capable of torturing me?"

Gabriel really hopes that his brother´s face is going to light up soon, because this isn´t Balthazar. This is the angel someone tried to make his little brother into and he hates thinking that that someone succeeded. That maybe it was Gabriel himself who succeeded in this. Shit, he really wishes he could go back and get Loki under control in time.

Also, he has no idea, why he is defending Michael again. Maybe it´s just stupid, but he doesn´t want to loose what has begun to regrow between him and Michael in those few days. Just as he doesn´t want to be alone.

If he could only get himself to admit that more often.

Because most of the time, it´s way easier and safer to just shut himself off and not let anyone come close, like during the disaster that let to this new mess in the first place.

He was in the garden, in one of the old hiding spots that always remind him a bit too much of Lucifer to be really comfortable, but he desperately needed to be alone, because he was _feeling_ it again. Oil on his wings, only this time it felt like it really _was_ holy oil and the fire was spreading, burning, consuming him and he must have unconsciously screamed over the bond, because within a moment Michael was there, worried as ever, almost loosing it at the sight of Gabriel curled up on the grass, gasping in pain, because it felt so real.

The thing was, this was a moment Gabriel REALLY wanted to be alone. Michael had caught him in one of his weakest moments and while the Frigga disaster had set some of his self-preserving rules temporarily out of order, the premise to never ever show yourself weak was still integrated deep in his brain. Loki and the Trickster couldn´t be weak. They had both pissed off way to many people to leave any opening for a counterattack.

So he screamed at Michael. And Michael persisted on knowing what was wrong. And that was something Gabriel just couldn´t explain, so he started getting rude and before long Michael implicated Gabriel couldn´t take care of himself, or at least Gabriel thought he implicated it, and of course he also had to touch Gabriel and then Gabriel ran, because this was too close, way to close and running was and had always been the easiest thing to do.

Run. If someone gets too close, just run away.

And then he is back in the hotel suite and he isn´t sure how much Balthazar picked up over the bond, but suddenly, there are warm arms around him, pulling him close and Gabriel stiffens for a moment, before something breaks inside him and falls into Balthazar´s embrace with an exhausted sob.

"You are safe", Balthazar whispers just as exhausted. "Would you please get that already?"

Gabriel´s laughter is wet and forced, but somewhere beneath it he feels, like he is finally breathing again.

…

 _Keep it together._

 _Damn it, you got so far already, don´t you dare give up now, keep it together!_

And he tries, he really tries, but his fear of Michael, his fear of being punished if he speaks up, is set way too deep, too close to the core of his being and right now Raphael is sure he will never be able to escape it. Keep it in check for short moments of time? Maybe. But escape it? Impossible.

And he lost Gabriel.

Michael surely can´t let something as important as that go without consequences.

 _Only it was Michael´s fault he was upset. Not mine, at least not completely._

Just a whisper in the back of his mind, unsure if he should snuff it out, if that would be safer. He knows he has already stood up against Michael way more decisive than this, but right now he can´t imagine how he managed that without dying from fear.

Michael is ignoring him completely and Raphael isn´t sure if that is a good sign. He has been ignored as a part of power play before, a way to say _you aren´t even worth my attention_ , but he doesn´t think that is what Michael is going for now. He can feel his brother over the bond, barely suppressed rage and anxiety, the anxiety getting stronger by the second and slowly burying the rage.

Michael is absolutely anxious to find Gabriel and to be honest, so is Raphael.

He might not remember much about that kid, but Gabriel is always careful to treat him as a person and opposite to Michael, who has been trying that too lately, he mostly succeeds.

" _Michael?_ ", he tries over the bond, because that ´s easier than talking and he has that childish hope that using the bond to communicate makes Michael remember they are brothers and makes him go easier on Raphael. " _If Gabriel doesn´t want to be found our chances of finding him, are..._ "

" _I know_ ", Michael snaps back. " _I think I´ve been searching enough_ _for him_ _lately to know that"_

Raphael sighs, gathers all his bravery and determination – he hopes one day talking to Michael will be easier and not feel like he is steeling himself for battle every single time, but so far nothing has become easier- and suggests: " _Then maybe we should wait for him to come back, instead of searching without leads, when he could be anywhere"_

Michael is quiet for a very long time. Raphael can feel and recognize his brother´s fear forming long before Michael puts it into words, but he waits, till Michael finally says: _"What if he doesn´t come back?"_

" _Then, should we really search for him?"_ That was one of those impulsive moments, when Raphael forgets himself for a second and suddenly everything seems easy to say, his fear vanished for just a second. Those moments are usually followed by rising panic and the feeling in the pit of Raphael´s stomach tells him that this time is no different.

" _What if he got himself in trouble again? Like the last time. He nearly died Raphael, he would have, if I hadn´t looked for him"_

Raphael isn´t so sure about that; sure, Gabriel´s wounds were severe, but by the time they arrived the Norse Gods had almost forgotten about Gabriel and sooner or later his little brother would have found the strength to get away and heal, even if the damage to his grace would have wrecked some problems later, but he keeps that thought to himself. Angry Michael is terrifying, but someone Raphael knows very well and has had thousands of years to develop strategies against. Anxious Michael is new, equally terrifying and Raphael´s only strategy so far boils down to "Do not disturb, if possible"

" _He will watch out now Michael, I know he will"_

" _I just want him to be safe"_ The last one is barely a whisper over the bond, a thought almost completely cloaked and Raphael is sure he wasn´t even supposed to pick that one up and he shouldn´t answer to glitches like this, but maybe talking to Michael is getting easier after all, because he barely hesitates.

" _I know"_

They don´t stop during the next hours, that feel like they are stretching on forever, but they don´t really expect to find Gabriel either. If Michael were honestly searching for him, he would call for the host and split up as much as possible, but as it is, he just keeps Raphael close, never speaking a word and only sending emotions over the bond.

Raphael suspects that Michael is just keeping himself busy, because he would go insane sitting still in heaven and doesn´t comment.

" _Uhm, yeah, I´m probably way past curfew, aren´t I?"_

And suddenly the archangel bond is a three-people-bond again and Raphael has barely had time to fathom his relief, when Michael is already tracing it as fast as angelically possible and Raphael has no choice but follow.

Gabriel is sitting on the couch in an impressive hotel lobby and while he didn´t even notice the younger angel missing, Raphael isn´t the least surprising to see Balthazar next to him and neither is Michael.

Michael, who with Gabriel voluntarily giving up his location seems to have completely lost the script.

Raphael squares his shoulders and prepares for that awkward silence to last for a while.


	5. Lucifer II

He can´t escape the memories, he learned that long ago. Or at least he hopes that was long ago.

Time is still impossible to tell in the cage and even though it probably doesn´t make any difference, since he is never going to get out anyway, the notion of being suspended in time still makes him nauseous.

He can´t escape the memories, so he tries his best to cancel Michael out of them and to avoid painful topics, of which there are rather a lot now.

Sometimes his memories feel so real, he could swear he has somehow escaped the cage and is back in the garden, or that he never was in the cage at all and all of this just was a very bad dream and when he wakes up it´s just him, Gabriel, Raphael and yeah, also Michael, like it was always supposed to be. (Thought the worst nightmare he ever had when it was just the four of them, was about Father leaving them forever. Michael held him afterwards and told him that would never happen. Michael has always been a liar)

Sometimes he can almost taste heaven, feel the soft grass tickle under his feet, hear Gabriel laugh his sweet innocent fledgling laughter…

Gabriel…

…

Pure, sweet, little Gabriel. He remembers the first time he saw his little brother, the soothing warmth of the little body in his arms, Raphael´s fingers clutching his upper arm as the thirdborn of heaven exclaimed over and over again: "So, I´m not the youngest anymore, am I?"

And Lucifer pressed the little bundle he was holding, closer to his chest, the bundle that didn´t yet have a name, but sure already had a strong voice, judging from the way it protested when Lucifer accidentally pressed too hard and answered: "No, you aren´t. Do you like that?"

And Raphael´s hands on Lucifer´s arm relaxed, as the formerly youngest of heaven put himself into deep thought, like he had a way of doing since he was a very young fledgling. Lucifer remembers once finding Raphael gazing up at the sky in pure concentration and when he asked his little brother what was going on, the little one, who had barely learned to talk yet, said: "Why do the stars change position?" and resumed gazing back up, like he could solve the worlds biggest mystery, if he just stared hard and long enough. Lucifer told him that stars didn´t move...only of course they did, Lucifer had just never noticed for some reason.

"I don´t know", Raphael announced finally, looking at little Gabriel, who wasn´t called Gabriel yet, with the same intensity, he had looked at the night sky a few years ago. "If you will still look after me, I guess it´ll be alright"

Lucifer was actually stunned by that for a second. Raphael almost never demanded attention. He had always been able to keep himself occupied and was so uncomplicated in fact, Michael once had announced jokingly, Father obviously hadn´t really paid attention, when making Lucifer, because Lucifer was the only one of the three who needed constant attention, and that needed to be some mode of compensation.

"I mean, look at him", he had said to Lucifer, the two of them watching Raphael play with a bunch of colored rocks in total fascination. "When Father brought him I was afraid of having to look after two of your sort, but sometimes I think you still need more looking after than Rapha does. Why couldn´t you ever be that quiet as a fledgling?

Those words didn´t hurt then, but they would hurt.

In the darkness of the cage they would come back, and they would burn and sizzle like molten iron on skin.

…

No, no, no, he doesn´t want to think about Michael and words that are still haunting him, words that make him doubt his brother ever loved him. Cross Michael out, CROSS HIM OUT, back to Gabriel and Raphael.

His amazing little brothers.

Why would they ever need Michael?

…

It is difficult to find a memory featuring both Gabriel and Raphael, but not Michael, but if there is one thing he has more than enough of in the cage it´s time to think, so after a while Lucifer remembers a day when everything got too much for Michael, as it sometimes did, and he screamed at all of them to go away and leave him alone, just a moment, why couldn´t they ever leave him alone?

He remembers carrying Gabriel on his back, Raphael trotting behind them. "Is Michael mad at us?", Gabriel asked, his lip slightly quivering. Damn it, he was so small back then, so easily scared and Lucifer tried his best to be comforting, as he replied: "Nah, he just gets like that sometimes. No need to worry, we just leave him alone for a bit, then we´ll come back and everything will be back as it was. I promise"

Gabriel was still young enough to believe in promises like that and Raphael wanted to believe, so in no time they had set themselves up in a clearing and Gabriel recovered from the shock of seeing his oldest brother loose it pretty fast. In no time, the two little ones were chasing each other back and forth the clearing and into the underbrush and normally Lucifer would have gotten up and joined them, but that day he stayed where he was, watching them carefully and when he heard a scream followed by loud sobs, he was at his brothers side in no time, heart pounding in his throat.

Gabriel was sitting on the ground, crying and looking absolutely lost, while Raphael was trying to simultaneously inspect his younger brother´s ankle and soothe him into silence.

"What happened?" Lucifer didn´t even try to hide the panic in his voice. "He fell and twisted his ankle", Raphael replied, "but I don´t think he is hurt, it´s mostly shock" Well, that wasn´t really anything new - Gabriel was still clumsy, as they all were as fledglings, but Gabriel didn´t let himself slow down by that, so he always ended up running too fast, or climbing too high, or flying without having any real control over speed and direction, then screaming for Michael, when he inevitably fell. So far, nothing worse than scrapes and bruises had come our of that, but Lucifer knew Michael´s worst nightmare was Gabriel getting himself hurt really bad, just because he wouldn´t slow down.

"Sh, sh, it´s alright", he whispered, picking his little troublemaker brother up and cradling him, like he had seen Michael do it countless times. "You are fine, you really are, you can calm down now" It was always Michael who did this, so he was sure Gabriel would just keep screaming for his oldest brother, but to his surprise, the little fledgling calmed down almost immediately, looking up at Lucifer with wide eyes, shimmering with trust.

"See, not that bad", Lucifer smiled, softly kissing Gabriel on the forehead, while a sudden wave of pride washed over him. I can do it he thought, almost intoxicated by the realization I can look after them like Michael does, we don´t even need Michael anymore, because I can be the big brother too, because they trust me. I can do it, I really can.

…

He holds onto that memory for a while, but then drops it, because it is too infused with Michael. Even though Michael barely features, he is always there, in the thoughts, in the background, always there, never leaving them alone. And on top of that, he doesn´t like to remember Gabriel getting hurt and crying in shock, even if it really was just a slip and Gabriel was running and laughing again ten minutes after, it still hits too close to home and also reminds him of the time Gabriel broke his wing and he really never wants to think of that ever again.

No, there has to be something better, something happier, something…

...something like the time Gabriel managed to create his first illusion, after weeks of Lucifer teaching him. Yes, that´s a good one!

…

"It doesn´t look real", Gabriel complained, critically viewing fake Lucifer in front of him.

"Well, you wanted to jump right in and start with persons", real Lucifer remarked. It had already been quite an effort to convince Gabriel to start with someone he could look at during his efforts and not Michael, who knew little of their private sessions, or Gabriel himself. "Do you have any idea how hard it is, to create a convincing illusion of yourself?", Lucifer had asked. "Take it easy, you´ll get there"

And you´ll get there quicker than I thought, he almost added now, feeling a strange sense of disconnection, while looking at the fake version of himself. Gabriel might complain about it, but to Lucifer it looked pretty on the nose and for a fledgling, who was only just beginning to test his powers…

"Of course I wanted to start with real persons", Gabriel grinned. "Imagine Michael´s face, when there is suddenly two of me"

Lucifer broke into laughter, ruffling his little brother´s hair. "He is going insane, looking just after one of you. Be careful you don´t break him"

"Sure", Gabriel laughed, and fake Lucifer, who he had been holding up longer than Lucifer would ever have thought possible at this stage, puffed into nothingness. "But let me have a bit of fun at least"

"Oh, I´ll join you in that, believe me" Lucifer said and disappeared just like his fake version had, only to reappear twice. Gabriel looked between the two Lucifers with a mixture of awe and confusion, then decided to fight fire with fire and added a third Lucifer into the mix, then a fourth and real Lucifer had to admit his head was slowly starting to spin.

When Raphael found them, there were nine Lucifers running around and the real one and Gabriel were laughing so hard they couldn´t imagine ever stopping, no matter how hard they tried. "Having fun, you...two?", Raphael shouted, to have ten heads turn towards him. "Wanna join?", one of the Lucifers, Raphael could have sworn wasn´t the real one, asked and while Raphael didn´t have as much talent as Gabriel did, he had more experience and with his help they brought it up to twelve Lucifers and a laughing fit bordering on hysterics.

When the three of them finally collapsed into a giggling heap, illusions dissipating all around them, Lucifer couldn´t tell if teaching his brothers to create illusions, had been the worst or the most awesome thing he had ever done.

"You sure this is the real you?", Gabriel was gasping. "I swear my illusions looked better"

Lucifer gave him a smack on the head, then hugged him tight, till Gabriel was gasping for air. "They sure did. You were amazing"

And they were happy.

They were so damn happy.

…

Actually, Lucifer realizes, shivering in the cage, the happy memories are the worst of them all.


	6. Interlude

It should get easier, but it doesn´t.

Not really.

Not significantly.

Gabriel is back in heaven and Michael is overjoyed, because his little brother came back by his own will and that should mean they are making process, at least a bit, right?

Right?

…

"I just needed some room to breathe", Gabriel said, in that hotel lobby, Balthazar next to him stiffening at every movement the two older archangels make. He wouldn´t have the slightest chance against them in a fight and yet he gets across pretty impressively that, should one of them dare to treat Gabriel wrong, he wouldn´t hesitate to attack.

"I just worried about you", Michael replied, Raphael next to him stealing glances at him, trying to judge the mood of heaven´s oldest, trying to guess if these strange surreal negotiations have a snowball´s chance, if it could possibly pay off to get emotionally invested in this. But then again, who ever had enough control over himself to decide what he is invested in and what not? Raphael sure hasn´t.

"I know", Gabriel said quietly.

There was a lot more said that night, but most of it doesn´t really matter. It´s all awkward and stretched out and the first few minutes decided anyway, if Gabriel would come home or not. The rest was just show. No one knows for whom they were putting in on exactly. For whom they are still putting it on.

…

Everything should get easier after Gabriel is back, but it doesn´t.

Naomi is waiting to strike and making clear to everyone that that´s what she does. She never disobeys orders, never asks directly to reintroduce reeducation. She is too smart to do anything that would undermine her position. But she is there. She seems to be in every corridor, in every office, impossible to escape, impossible to fault, because she never even stops her stride, she is just...on her way. Constantly.

Michael grids his teeth and tries to carefully keep his mind blank whenever he sees her. Raphael flinches involuntarily, as do some of the younger angels, who don´t even consciously know Naomi. Gabriel just smiles and takes a step closer to Balthazar, or whoever happens to be with him. Naomi smiles back. There is no malice in those smiles, no threat, because there doesn´t need to be. Everybody knows it´s there, deep and brooding, waiting to explode.

It should get easier. It was supposed to.

…

Michael doesn´t follow Gabriel around anymore; he has learned his lesson about that. But he can´t concentrate if he doesn´t know his little brother is alright, so the times he isn´t with Gabriel are getting less and less productive, because he constantly feels the urge to check the bond.

He is loosing control and he knows it. He has been loosing control since the moment he threw Lu...the traitor into the pit. Everything he did since then has been born out of sick desperation, the attempt to cling to what is left of himself, but that won´t hold him together forever, he always knew that. Gabriel has pushed some of the cracks open and Michael has nothing left to close them with.

He got one of his brothers back. The one he thought had cruelly died and was lost to him forever. And it made him vulnerable in ways he hasn´t allowed himself to be in a very long time and he doesn´t know how to deal with any more.

…

Gabriel is clinging to Balthazar and to the other little ones, even though he would never quite admit it. Heaven is so changed, it scares him, the garden being the only place that has survived the years in between without scars. He spends a lot of time there, trying to remember how to be an angel again, but being an angel then and being an angel now are two very different things as he is painfully learning.

He is safe. He chose to come home. He ran away again and then he chose to come back. He is in control.

He would laugh about himself if it weren´t so damn sad, how he struggles to believe any of this bullshit.

…

Raphael tries to remember. He spends a lot of time trying to remember, sometimes alone, sometimes with Gabriel in the garden, in a weird mockery of getting nostalgic about old times. It hurts to learn how much he misses, but Raphael wouldn´t stop to try and get those parts of him back for the world. If his memories come back, maybe so will the courage to stand up to Michael.

Memories are fickle. Some are coming back, he guesses. Some he probably invents, based on stories Gabriel tells him in their long half-secret talks in the garden, but after a while they feel so real, he doesn´t care they aren´t his own. In a way, they are now. He made them his own.

Memories are fickle. There are huge black holes in his memories, most of which he only becomes aware of now, as he finds those few precious once, that come back to him. They make him aware how much he is missing, how much _of him_ is missing and he knows that some of the holes he may be able to fill, but there are huge ones, that will stay forever. Memories are fickle and they don´t just come back miraculously, after being forced away.

The process is hard and painful and probably half the memories he gets out of it are twisted or wrong and sometimes he wishes himself back to the time he remembered nothing at all.

It was supposed to get easier with the time, but it doesn´t.

…

Time passes, no, it flies by and everyone rests surprised by the speed of it. Usually a century isn´t much for an angel, but the last two weeks were so intense, they felt like they went on forever and everyone got used to that strangely human way of experiencing time, but now things are settling into an uneasy routine, that, no matter how flimsy, is still a routine and there is no limit to what routine can get you used to.

"Half a year", Balthazar says one morning in the garden and Gabriel startles. "Half a year what?" Balthazar punches him in the arm. "Half a year since I found out you didn´t die in Lucifer´s rebellion, you jerk" Gabriel doesn´t know how to respond. It feels like a lot more. But also like a lot less.

They coexist and struggle and avoid painful topics and it works somehow, somewhat, because no one wants to find out what happens if it doesn´t. Naomi is waiting in the background and Michael never forgets that. Kali is waiting in the background and Gabriel isn´t one to forget threats either. But for now everything works alright. There are not exactly happy, but they are verging on calm. Calm is a beginning. You can build on calm.

So of course the universe has to throw no less than the freaking apocalypse in their faces.

…

There was a time, when Michael was looking forward to the apocalypse. A time when he had a plan for it, he was working on with Raphael and Zachariah. When he threw his whole time into what he now accepts was unconsciously trying to end his own misery.

And then Gabriel came back and… it´s not like he forgot. No one is stupid enough to forget the apocalypse, when it´s looming right over your head. It was always there, in the back of his mind, together with the nagging, that he should do more to prepare. His vessel was getting closer and closer to the day it would go to hell after all, and from that moment on heaven needed to be ready to strike.

It was always there, but Michael, who praises himself, that he never lets anything slip and gets everything done on time, has never been as deep in denial about something, as he has to admit he was about this. He always knew the apocalypse was going to happen. And since it was Father´s plan he always knew he´d help make it happen. Be a good son at any cost. Right…

He doesn´t need the apocalypse now, he realized, five months before his vessel goes to hell, when he really can´t avoid the topic any longer. He doesn´t _want_ the apocalypse now. The calm situation in heaven, is as fragile as glass right now, any disturbance of the status quo could lead to him loosing all that he has fought for since he saw Gabriel on that road in the middle of nowhere.

 _The apocalypse was already on it´s way then. You_ _r redemption attempt_ _w_ _as running_ _on borrowed time from the beginning._

He groans and buries his head in his hands.

He thinks of the bible, how well the angels get through the apocalypse there. The holy city, paradise renewed… The apocalypse shouldn´t be a hazard for angels! It really shouldn´t!

He wants to trust in Father. He still does in some way. Some days he catches himself falling back into his compulsive praying habit, almost subconsciously updating Father on every little thing, he knows Father would never care for. Old habits are hard to restrain and it´s close to impossible to destroy them. But the force in him screaming not to just let this all rest in Father´s hands is surprisingly strong.

…

"I don´t want it", Michael says quietly in the garden, just to try it out. "I don´t want the apocalypse". He sounds like a petulant child, he realizes, ( _like Lucifer_ some traitorous part of him that quickly gets suffocated whispers) stupid, weak and powerless to change anything anyway. Because hell wants the apocalypse and if heaven doesn´t defend itself…

 _I don´t want to face Lucifer. I don´t want to see what he has become. I don´t want to fight him._

 _I don´t want to be your perfect son._

Those are the thoughts buried so deeply he is barely even aware of them, the ones he would never be able to say out loud, even all on his own, with the bonds carefully blocked. The ones he can´t even think. But they are there. Somewhere, buried deep, oh so deeply, they are there and he can´t escape them anymore.

He finds himself thinking of Lucifer, which is a strange thing after all those years. He mostly pushed those memories away when they came and when he couldn´t do that, always discredited them, by thinking of the traitor and monster Lucifer had become. There were those strange moments he cherished the memories of his little brother as a fledgling, while still hating the monster, because he just couldn´t get those two images together in his mind, but he never allowed himself to think of Lucifer as a whole. What he was and what he became and everything in between.

"Michael?"

Michael shoots up, banging his head on the bark of the tree, he has been leaning again. "Yeah?", he manages weakly, desperately trying to clear his head.

Gabriel is standing in front of him, looking nervous, not sure if this is one of the forbidden moments, where it is better not to ask and just leave it at it. There have been a lot of those moments over the last months."Are you alright?", he asks nonetheless, while keeping his distance and trying his hardest not to make the situation more awkward than it already is.

Michael reaches up, wiping tears from his face and wondering how much his little brother was able to hear and feel over the bond, that, as he realizes to his frustration, is wide open again. "It´s nothing. I´ve lost track of time. Shouldn´t have spent so long in the garden, I need to be off" He bats away the hand Gabriel offers him to help and staggers to his feet.

"Michael?"

He turns back around.

"What now, Gabriel?", he snaps, even though he has made it a principle not to snap at anyone who doesn´t deserve it and that´s actually one of his new principles, he has been getting pretty good at not ignoring.

"This is _your_ tree, isn´t it?", Gabriel says quietly, his pronunciation leaving no doubt what he means. Well, at least that answers Michael´s question of how much his little brother heard.

"It was", Michael says, surprised he manages to make his voice sound even and calm, despite all the turmoil raging inside him. "A long time ago, before you were created. Excuse me, Zachariah is waiting"

And he will kick Zachariah out immediately with some flimsy excuse, because he is the last person he wants to talk to right now, but Gabriel doesn´t need to know that.

Behind him the ghosts of two little angels are laughing under the tree. In front of him the apocalypse is looming. And Michael straightens his shoulders and keeps walking right into it, because he doesn´t know where else to go.


	7. Balthazar IGabriel III

**First of all, sorry for the long break. Exams kept getting in the way and I´m not all the way through yet, so I can´t promise a chapter every week. I can however promise this story will be finished. So please bear with me and enjoy :)**

"So, we are doing this" Gabriel chuckles, but it´s not a happy chuckle and he doesn´t even manage to make it sound remotely like one. The youngest archangel´s fists are balled tight in his pockets, nails biting the palms so hard, they are almost drawing blood. "We are actually laying siege to hell"

Balthazar shrugs, leaning back against the headrest of the divan, he´s currently stretched out on. Michael has become slightly more liberal with Gabriel´s tactic of fleeing into pocket universes when he get nervous over the last few months and Gabriel has started to rely heavily on it, now that it causes less existential drama. Not that Balthazar disapproves. No one should ever have tried letting Gabriel live in heaven without a private safe space. No wonder he was so quick to run away to earth that first week.

"Well", he replies, "fighting against hell is kind of what we do here. This isn´t exactly a new thing"

Gabriel is shifting uncomfortably in his armchair and Balthazar can almost feel his brother´s distress radiating across the room. Almost, because said brother shut off the bond again. Balthazar had really hoped that problem would have been solved by now, but Gabriel rarely manages to go a whole day with the bonds switched at least to stand-by. Which leads to conflict with an anxious Michael, which leads to Gabriel shutting himself off even more. Balthazar is pretty sick of that ever repeating fight by now.

"I know it´s not", Gabriel finally says. "It´s just… I never thought of it that much. I´d heard the other gods talking about heaven being just a glorified army camp and then I´d drink and laugh with them about the stupid Christians. It wasn´t real to me. When I thought of heaven..." He pauses and Balthazar doesn´t need the bond to feel his brother is about to loose it. "...I didn´t think of this", Gabriel adds bitterly, just when Balthazar is about to say something. "And now it´s a sign the world is really going into the blender, so that makes it _so_ much better"

Balthazar swallows down the queasy feeling he always seems to get, when Gabriel talks about his life after he ran. Of course in this case the queasiness could also come from seeing how unstable Gabriel still is, despite Balthazar´s best efforts, or maybe just a bit from casually talking about the apocalypse, so who knows? That´s the problem of living in an emotional whirlpool filled with fucked up.

"Well, it´s happening", he states, trying to keep anything that might sound judging and set Gabriel off out of his voice. "And you better don´t try and hold me back from going, people are way too aware of me being your favorite already. Best not hit them too hard on the nose with it"

"Well, and I´m Michael´s favorite, whether I want to or not, what can you do?", Gabriel announces fake cheerfully, conjuring up two bowls of ice cream with a snap. "Don´t worry, if you want to burn to death, who am I to stop you?"

The ice cream tastes like caramel dipped into syrup, dipped into coke and Balthazar eyes his portion suspiciously, before sighing and surrendering it to Gabriel, who has consumed half of his own already.

It´s not like Balthazar doesn´t have a sweet tooth, he definitely does. But nothing can compete with the sugar levels Gabriel is conjuring up for himself, when he is stressing out about something, but doesn´t quite want to tell anyone what´s bothering him. Those levels could make an elephant jump back and forth, like a bunny on crack.

"Can´t you give me something normal, like chocolate?", he complains, mostly so Gabriel will forget his own unthinking comment about burning to death, before it can sink in and come back to haunt him later. Burning is still kind of a sensitive topic and will probably continue to be for a very long time.

"Getting petty now, are we?", Gabriel grumbles, handing Balthazar a bowl of chocolate ice cream that very second, while securing the second bowl of sugar horror for himself. "It´s not even real ice cream"

"Still tastes real", Balthazar shrugs.

"No, it doesn´t", Gabriel says and it comes out way more depressed than a statement about ice cream ever should, fake or not, and Balthazar wants to say something about how that isn´t true and Gabriel that is a master at making realistic sweets, but he stops himself, because the point clearly isn´t ice cream. The point is something much, much deeper.

"How do you remember Lucifer?", Gabriel asks and Balthazar´s mind at first just doesn´t provide any reaction at all to that question, because there is no way Gabriel really just asked that out of the blue! They don´t talk about Balthazar´s memories casually. And they don´t talk about Lucifer, obviously. No one just starts talking about Lucifer!

"I…", he stutters and then he realizes he is panicking, because Gabriel is still keeping the bond firmly sealed shut. He can´t talk to Gabriel about Lucifer this way. Not when he doesn´t even get an emotional response, that allows him to judge how much he can say without major archangel drama ensuing.

"I remember him saving Cassie from stepping on The Fish", he says to buy himself some time, because that is something they already talked about and maybe Gabriel will just leave it at it and Balthazar won´t have to take any real risk.

No such luck of course.

"Do you remember his smile?", Gabriel inquires and there is something wild and haunted in his eyes, that really makes Balthazar wish his stubborn brother would just open up the bond. "Do you remember how he used to play with the fledglings?"

"Well..." Balthazar is the one starting to shift uncomfortably now. "They wouldn´t exactly let me keep good memories of him, would they?"

Gabriel´s shoulders drop in a way that makes Balthazar wish he had said something else, because Gabriel is clearly torn up and heartbroken about this. "No", the youngest archangel sighs, jamming a worryingly big load of sugar horror into his mouth. "I guess they wouldn´t"

The truth is, Balthazar remembers Lucifer. He even remembers that smile, that brilliant, dazzling smile, that seemed to come right from Lucifer´s grace. He remembers Lucifer once sitting down next to him, when Zachariah was being a bully again and comforting him. He remembers Lucifer laughing with Gabriel and how those two archangels loosing it over mindless puns, was the most beautiful sound in the world and how it resonated through him over his bond with Gabriel and kept him happy for days.

The truth is also, that Balthazar remembers the devil. He remembers the monster Michael fought and how its eyes send shivers down his spine. He remembers what Lucifer did and what he was willing to sacrifice. He remembers the horror, the screams and burned wingmarks on the ground, the feeling of his world crashing down around him. He remembers looking at what he thought was Gabriel´s corpse at that time and thinking with a stab of hate that maybe, if Lucifer had just been less stubborn, then maybe...

And Balthazar knows all too well, why he was allowed, no, why he was supposed to keep those happy Lucifer memories. Because once you have seen the devil, seeing Lucifer just makes you angrier. Why would anyone give up being Lucifer for this bullshit?

Gabriel sighs and Balthazar knows his brother never saw the devil. And he has the sinking feeling that Gabriel´s blindness in that respect, will get the youngest archangel seriously hurt sooner or later.

….

Against popular belief, Gabriel has actually never shut himself off completely, since the almost-running-away-with-Kali disaster, so the endless discussions filled with worried looks from Balthazar and Michael and not-so-subtle ways they are trying to convince him to open up at least a bit for safety, are starting to make him feel an explosive mixture of guilt and anger.

Anger, because Balthazar and Michael just assume that if he chose to keep one bond open, it would be with one of them, so obviously he must be shutting himself off completely.

Guilt, because he hasn´t really given them any indication to think otherwise or bothered denying their accusations.

The one bond he never cuts is resting quietly in the back of his consciousness. He actually doesn´t actively use it that much, but he would hate to have it missing.

 _Hi, you there?,_ he probes rhetorically. Of course his brother is there. Raphael just doesn´t like starting conversations. Which sometimes makes him way easier to talk to than Balthazar or Michael; not that Gabriel would ever tell them that.

 _A bit busy organizing the siege,_ Raphael, who Gabriel sometimes still can´t believe really once was the Raphael from the garden, replies almost immediately, causing the youngest archangel to groan in frustration. This damn siege is making him uncomfortable in ways he can´t put into words or even really into feelings.

 _Lucifer would have been the one organizing sieges with Michael._

Damn, that wasn´t meant to go over the bond! That´s exactly why Gabriel keeps the others shut off so much and contemplated shutting Raphael off a million times. In the end he never does. Contrary to Balthazar and Michael, Raphael never says that he wants the bond. But every time Gabriel calls him without any other purpose than simply to chat, there is such a rush of relief streaming through the bond, that Gabriel just can´t bring it over himself to cut it. Raphael is clinging to the one person he can be fairly sure didn´t abuse him and wasn´t abused by him. It´s such a gift to Raphael, it makes Gabriel want to cry and punch Father in the face at the same time.

Raphael doesn´t answer. And really, what should he say to that? Gabriel should be thankful, he is ignoring the slip-up and just start a different conversation.

Only, even if he hasn´t admitted it to himself yet, Lucifer and Balthazar´s reaction to the topic, are kind of the reasons he called.

 _Do you remember Lucifer?_

There is a rush of confused emotion, that almost throws Gabriel off his feet, because it´s too much to figure out or even focus on anything particular, but in a weird way, he has been getting used to that with Raphael. Raphael always seems to feel either nothing at all or everything at once. One of the strongest emotional reactions Gabriel ever got from Raphael, was when Gabriel casually asked him, if he wanted to sit down. The intensity that followed is on top of Gabriel´s secret "Reasons to punch Michael in the face, should this all go to shit"- list.

 _I´m not sure what I remember at all_ , Raphael replies softly, _But I think you two used to run off to earth together._

And suddenly there are tears in Gabriel´s eyes, because he can feel that Raphael is taking him seriously about this and not just trying to end the conversation like even Balthazar and Michael did, and damn, he knew there was a reason why this was the bond he kept.

 _I´ve been thinking a lot of him lately,_ Gabriel confesses, his anxiety jingling between them. _About how he used to be and about how…_ The air suddenly suddenly seems too thin to breathe and he lets off something that is totally not a whimper. He can´t finish that sentence. He just can´t.

And thankfully Raphael won´t make him.

 _Can we meet later?_ , Gabriel asks instead. _When Michael lets you get away from playing war?_ Oh, shit, this is such an awkward question. For one, he and Raphael have kind of become experts at talking a lot, while never being actually in the same place. For some reason, even though you are in some ways closer to the other person, talking over the bond is easier than talking face-to face. Plus, it reminds him, how Michael, who is giving everyone else shit-tons of work to do, still leaves Gabriel an unholy amount of free time. Which sounds fun, but actually ends with Gabriel feeling like the only unemployed person in a sea full of workaholics and ending up alone quite a bit.

"Just ask him to give you more to do", was Balthazar´s answer to that, when Gabriel complained. "Ask him to give you some of my work, I´d be forever in your debt" "Nah...", Gabriel replied, leaning back in his hammock and sipping on his drink. "I just realized, I don´t want to seem too eager. Wouldn´t want to miss this, after all"

Then the drink went flying, as Balthazar flipped over the hammock and somehow they ended up having an extensive tickle fight, that eventually was interrupted by a pissed off Michael. Oh well… At least that lead to Balthazar never questioning Gabriel´s sudden change of mind any further, even though Gabriel wouldn´t be surprised if his little brother still had it on his radar. For someone who has a tendency to long rants, especially about a certain movie, Balthazar is surprisingly good at keeping stuff in just to spit it back out at a completely unexpected point in time.

Truth is, Gabriel realized, he´d rather spent most of his days, doing bullshit to keep himself occupied and from thinking too much, than putting Michael to the test. Because asking for more to do, would inevitably reveal how far Michael trusts him. And if Gabriel learned one thing over the years, some things you are better off not knowing. Especially when it concerns heaven.

Only too much free time really is a curse, he reflects, as he waits for Michael to let Raphael go. Probably one reason the Trickster was so extreme, was sheer boredom. Being bound to nothing is not as much fun as it sounds, especially 500 years in.

So he sits and thinks of the two people, he knows he shouldn´t think off and Balthazar and Michawl would freak out, if he knew he did.

Lucifer and Kali.

Well, if that doesn´t sound like the recipe for a firery death extraordinaire.

When Raphael finally arrives, Gabriel has almost though better about this and stopped the whole thing. What he is planning on doing, is making him uncomfortable, making him question if he is better than Michael.

Well, he isn´t planning on torturing anyone and he is just telling his brother stories. So, of course he is better than Michael.

Of course he is also arguably trying to manipulate Raphael for his own gain, so does it really matter that much how he does it?

Anyway, now Raphael is here, turning back would lead to a whole new load of trust issues, so Gabriel decides to jump into the cold water.

"How do you feel about Lucifer?", he asks, knowing the moment the words leave his lips how stupid they sound. He´s pretty sure how Raphael would feel about Lucifer, after all those years of being completely under Michael´s control and anyway, Lucifer and Raphael were never that close. At least not as close as Gabriel was with Lucifer, or sharing something as intense as Michael and Lucifer did.

Lucifer and Michael were always intense. Whether they would laugh with each other or butt heads, they´d throw everything they had into it. In hindsight Gabriel is scolding himself for not seeing that, should things once get way out of hand between Michael and Lucifer, that same intensity that used to make their connection so strong, would unfold the potential to become everyone´s doom.

"He is a traitor", Raphael carefully says, in the way he has taken to talk, when he isn´t sure whether he is speaking his mind or Michael´s. "He was a good brother once, but he deserves everything that came to him"

"Does he though?", Gabriel interrupts, slightly more aggressive than he had planned to and damn, he sure hopes Michael never hears any of this, he would freak out so hard a forest fire would seem easy to manage in comparison. "Who the fuck deserves to be caged in alone for all eternity?"

"Someone who betrayed Father", Raphael replies in that same careful tone and Gabriel groans. "I think we can both agree Father´s parenting methods weren´t always the best. I bet Michael would agree to that too, deep inside, while he scolds me for blasphemy"

That actually gets something like a smile out of Raphael. Something like a smile, in this case meaning, that Raphael hasn´t really gotten the grip on giving physical smiles again yet. But sometimes the bond feels like he is smiling and Gabriel treasures those moments. His inner tension dissipates just a bit.

"I´m not trying to excuse Lucifer", he explains, even though he is aware that´s kind of what he`s doing. "Just...being back to heaven makes me want to have my family back in a way I never did when I just buried all of this shit really deep. I want it all back and Lucifer is a part of it and also I´m really not sure he deserves what he got. Or if he deserves it more than Michael at least. The more I thing about it...about The Day, the less sure I am about anything"

He stops right there, because one more sentence and he would have started to shout. It´s burning inside him, threatening to consume him, but he just can´t get it out, the real core of why he is doing this, why he wants to talk about Lucifer so badly, why he wants people to understand there is a conflict for him here.

He swallows hard and it feels like a chunk of metal stuck in his throat and excruciatingly slowly pushing its way down. Dammit, this is way to complicated.

"Gabriel", Raphael says slowly and Gabriel raises his head and it´s one of those moments, when the Raphael from the garden is somewhere in there, broken and shattered, but somewhere behind his brother´s eyes he is still there and Gabriel needs that Raphael, that healer. "What do you really want to tell me?"

The chunk of metal is choking him. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, so he takes the only way he has a chance of getting this across.

 _That a second fight between Michael and Lucifer would kill me. I just know it would._

Silence of Raphael´s side, just a flicker of fear, shock and empathy now and then.

They sit there, Gabriel with his head resting on his knees and he is already contemplating what a stupid idea it was telling this to anyone, even Raphael, when there is an answer, rolling over him with incredible softness.

 _Tell me about how you see Lucifer._

And the mix of contradicting emotions, memories and dreams just swaps out of Gabriel, out of a pit pushed so far into the shadows, he never knew just how deep it was until now.

And Raphael listens.


	8. Samandriel IMichael II

"Gabriel! Gabriel! Gabriel, where are you?"

Samandriel doesn´t like his own idea. Not at all. Also, he is not sure why he always has to be the one bringing news to volatile archangels – the day he had the misfortune of being the first to find what they thought at the time was Gabriel´s corpse, is still burned into his mind in surprising clarity all things considered -, but if he doesn´t do this...well, if Balthazar really looses it, the consequences won´t be good in any way.

Not that Samandriel doesn´t feel like hitting Michael too. Castiel was his friend as well, but Balthazar claimed revenge mode first, so somehow by unspoken rules that got Samandriel stuck in the role of the reasonable one. Which is just like his usual luck.

Just like having to search for an archangel, who doesn´t want to be found, because he is completely unaware of what´s going on. Basically Samandriel doesn´t have a chance of finding Gabriel and he knows it. So maybe it would be better to just cut this bullshit, return to Balthazar and do his best to…

Damn.

He feels it more than he sees it, a quick movement in an adjoining corridor, just out of the range of Samandriel´s sight and he freezes, overcome by a burst of paranoia that might be well founded, maybe not, he simply doesn´t know. The curse of reeducation Balthazar calls it when he thinks no one is listening. Samandriel doesn´t have a name for it. That feeling has existed as long as he can remember, which of course might not be very long or at least not as long as he thinks he does.

 _Why here?,_ the part of his mind, that always feels like it belongs to someone else, someone trapped in a much darker, much more dangerous life than Samandriel himself, whispers. _Why did you come here of all places?_

He has no answer to that. How could he when he only has a vague idea of why he shouldn´t be here in the first place. A sense of dread is creeping up his spine though and really, maybe he should just listen to his instincts and run while he still can. Run, while…

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

And just like that Samandriel feels like he has been tipped face first into a whirlpool of contradicting emotions. Shock, because an archangel caught him in a place where he clearly shouldn´t be. Relief, because it just happens to be the archangel he was searching for. Panic, because a pissed off archangel staring at you like that never ever ends well. Confusion, because what is Gabriel doing…

"Samandriel?", Gabriel´s voice is a softening up now, like he is still basically pissed off, but that mostly steamed of being surprised too and also he really doesn´t want the younger angel to jump out of his skin, which Samandriel appreciates. "Come on, you aren´t a rule breaker. What´s going on?"

"If you don´t come soon, Balthazar is going to attack Michael", Samandriel bursts out and Gabriel pales about three shades in an instant.

"What? Oh no, shit, bad idea", Gabriel hisses and Samandriel feels the archangel taping into the overall bond, he usually avoids these days. "Balthy! Balthy, whatever is going on, would you calm down for a second? At least let me be the one who punches Michael in the face, I actually have a decent chance of surviving that!"

Then the archangel is off and Samandriel, who is also more than eager to get back to Balthazar, finds himself lingering for a second and taking a good look around. The young angel´s face scrunches up in frustration, as he finally realizes what was so off about the situation.

Actually there were a lot of things off about the situation, but this one is worrying him and he can´t share it with anyone. Usually he would maybe tell Balthazar or Castiel, but Balthazar isn´t in a mood to discuss anything and Castiel… Samandriel quickly cuts off that thought, before it can catapult him out of being the sane one.

Still, what was Gabriel doing right by the prison cells?

…

By the time Samandriel has pushed that thought out of his mind and followed Gabriel back to Balthazar, the situation has already loaded up with emotions and he isn´t sure whether it is his place to stay here. Balthazar is his friend, but Gabriel is an archangel and well, Samandriel has a rule about standing close to pissed off archangels. Basically, avoid it at all costs.

And Gabriel certainly looks dangerous, crouching on the floor, one hand extended, while Balthazar is pressing himself into a corner shaking with anger and clearly hurting and yes, Samandriel knows that Gabriel is trying to coax Balthazar out of there and is probably the one person with a chance of succeeding and yes, he also knows that Gabriel isn´t angry at Balthazar, that that is the last thing Gabriel would be in that situation.

Still, the instinct of throwing himself in front of Balthazar and protect him as best he can is strong. Archangels are something else, always were, and Samandriel is very aware of the extent of Gabriel´s powers right now, especially in contrast to how helpless Balthazar seems.

"Balthy?", Gabriel is whispering, trying to sound soft, but there are a million emotions battling each other in his voice and what comes out is kind of scaring Samandriel. "Hey, Balthy, I´m here, okay? Michael can´t touch you, I promise. Not without going through me and I wouldn´t hesitate a moment to punch him into a wall. How does that sound, Balthy?"

And Samandriel can actually feel Balthazar relax just a bit, and this is why he searched for Gabriel, even though archangels usually scare him, even Gabriel, who isn´t as bad as Raphael and Michael, though he is also kind of hard to read.

The effect Gabriel has on Balthazar becomes clear, as the younger angel looks up at the archangel with red rimmed eyes, anger and helplessness laid open in a way Samandriel rarely ever saw from Balthazar.

"He sent Castiel into hell alone!", Balthazar whispers back at the archangel. "To get the vessel. That´s not a one-man job, that´s...He sent Cassie to die, I know he did!"

And while Samandriel isn´t as convinced there as Balthazar is, his heart also skips a beat at his brother´s words. Not only because it reminds him of the major, probably deadly, trouble Castiel is in and which he has tried very hard not to think about since Balthazar burst in with the news, but also because Balthazar´s helplessness is resonating so strongly by now, Samandriel can´t distinguish it from his own anymore.

For how tense Gabriel has been, since the moment Samandriel asked him to come, he reacts surprisingly calm, blinking at Balthazar, like what the younger angel said hasn´t quite sunken in yet. Then he puts a hand forward slowly, like he isn´t quite there mentally and the moment his hand touches Balthazar´s shoulder, the younger angel lets himself drop forward into his arms and starts sobbing his heart out.

And really, this is getting more than private and Samandriel turns away, but he already saw and is strangely impressed by the connection between the two. The way Balthazar is leaning into Gabriel in complete trust, the way Gabriel pulls Balthazar close protectively, murder in his eyes as he tries to shield his protege from the rest of the world.

It´s a sort of trust, that is exceedingly rare in heaven and Samandriel isn´t sure he has ever seen it quite that intense.

He stays at the door, turned away from the two and feels kind of creepy for it anyway, but he has no idea where else to go. Also, not like Gabriel and Balthazar notice him at all. They are completely focused on each other, Balthazar searching comfort and Gabriel doing his best to it. Samandriel is pretty sure they wouldn´t notice hell rising to run them over right now.

Finally Balthazar´s sobs die down and there are steps behind Samandriel, the young angel almost freaking out as something touches him on the shoulder. "Hey, can you make sure Balthy doesn´t do anything stupid while I have a word with Michael?", the archangel asks and then with a rustle of wings he is gone.

Samandriel sinks down next to Balthazar, trying not to feel like an inadequate replacement. Balthazar is definitely calmer than before his breakdown, though his eyes seem pretty empty now and there is no emotion distinguishable in his voice, when he asks: "So, you´re still there?"

Samandriel shrugs uncomfortably. "Didn´t want to leave you with..."

"With Gabriel?", Balthazar gives a hard, short laugh, that almost turns into a sob. "Samandriel, I know archangels were pretty shitty news for most of our lives and they tend to be dramatic and fuck shit up, but don´t throw Gabriel in with that. Gabriel cares"

"Well, he clearly cares about you", Samandriel answers, managing to keep his voice neutral. Though to be honest he has no idea what he is feeling right now and neither does he know what Balthazar feels. They are all a mess. Heaven is a mess.

"Not only about me", Balthazar replies, before falling silent, knees pulled up to his chin, clearly trying to curl up and forget the world for a moment and Samandriel tries to do the same.

"Castiel will come back", he finally says, when the tension over the bond is getting so tight, they can´t ignore the elephant in the room any longer. "He always comes back, he is tough like that"

"That doesn´t change what Michael did!", Balthazar explodes right on cue. "He doesn´t...he doesn´t have reeducation anymore, so what, now he just puts the troublemakers in the risky places, till that takes care of them? You know Castiel barely even is our Castiel anymore, not how we knew him. And I don´t care, I keep looking after him, try to coax memories out of him, that I don´t even know I have myself and he always gets just a bit better than I expect him to get and I´m so fucking proud of that and then Michael pulls this on him? And I am to believe that in the whole host there is no one else, who could do that shitty job, than the one who bugged Naomi, Zachariah and Michael for ages, because they just couldn´t keep him down?"

There´s a fire in Balthazar´s eyes while he delivers that rant, he didn´t even dare to give to Gabriel that way and Samandriel knows that at least part of this has been pent up inside his brother for a very long time. They all have their pent up rants, that barely ever see the light of day, but Balthazar has been more confident, since Gabriel came back to heaven and Samandriel has noticed that in a lots of ways. Maybe it´s because Balthazar feels like he has a way out, but Samandriel doesn´t, not really, so his response is much quieter.

"I don´t know Balthazar. Do you think they care enough about Castiel, about any of us, to set him up like that? Maybe it doesn´t even have anything to do with Castiel being a rebel and they just needed..."

"...Cannon fodder?", Balthazar finishes darkly. "Wow, thanks, I feel so much better now"

"That´s not what I...", Samandriel starts, but then he stops, because maybe he did mean that. He has no idea what anything means anymore.

And then Balthazar´s arm is around his shoulder and the older angel (actually they don´t know for sure Balthazar is older, they just kind of collectively decided on that, without ever talking about it) seems so tired, there seems to be no way he´s the same person who was displaying everything from murderous rage to utter heartbreak just a few minutes back.

"It´s okay, kiddo. Guess we just have to wait, till Cassie comes home and blows our minds with his perspective on this. If I wasn´t so worried for the kid, I´d be excited what his crazy brain comes up with this time"

...

Michael was already having a pretty bad day with way too much suspense and not enough routine he can cling to for his liking and an upset Gabriel bursting in without any warning doesn´t exactly make it better.

"Gabriel!" Michael´s anxiety flares up right on cue, making his heart skip a beat. For one second his mouth seems too dry to form words and when he manages, he doesn´t want to sound too much like a worried brother and ends up overcompensating as usual.

"Can´t you at least tell me, when you barge in like that?", he hisses, when he actually wants to desperately ask Gabriel what happened to upset him like that and if he just maybe could turn on the bond, because the continuing separation not exactly helpful to Michael battling his own fears. It reminds him a bit too much of a certain beach and ...no, don´t go there. Don´t go there ever again.

"Would be kind of missing the point then", Gabriel retorts. "So, can you tell me why the fuck you thought it a good idea to sent Castiel to hell alone, because I just had to calm down a very upset Balthazar and I still don´t know if leaving him alone was in any way a good idea"

Castiel? This is about _Castiel?_

Michael stares at his little brother incredulously, while trying to remind himself that "I thought something had happened, don´t scare me like that", probably would be a horrible answer and get treated as such.

"Gabriel, it is a siege. If I think a soldier is the best for..."

"Do you want him to succeed?"

The question falls like a hammer between the two archangels and Michael doesn´t know if Gabriel himself is aware of that, but there is a strange glow in his little brother´s eyes and it´s scaring a part of Michael he usually keeps buried deep.

Gabriel looks like Lucifer used to look, when someone dared to ignore him, right before going into a tantrum and it makes Michael take a step backwards in what he refuses to call fear. He isn´t scared of his little brothers. Ever.

Expect he kind of is of all of them now.

"Do you want the apocalypse, Michael?" Gabriel isn´t quite screaming, but he sounds like he is going to reach that point soon. "Is that it? Because I honestly have no idea what you are playing at"

"I thought this was about me upsetting Balthazar", Michael manages to get out to win time, because he doesn´t know how to respond to that question. Yes, he thought about not wanting the apocalypse to himself, in the garden, even said it out loud once, but that was alone in the garden. That was different.

Gabriel seems to have no problem at all with rejecting that part of Father´s plan, but Michael was never able to just throw Father´s plan out of the window. He never wanted to be able to and it´s scaring him how quick Gabriel is to do so and to ask the same of him.

"It is", Gabriel says and thank Father he doesn´t seem to edge closer to a tantrum, if anything he is pulling away from it. Michael takes in a shaky breath he hadn´t realized he has been holding and relaxes the defense pose, he hadn´t realized he has taken. That moment Gabriel looked like he was ready to go full Lucifer on him has messed him up more than he can comprehend even now.

"It is and I swear, I never want to see the kid in that state again, but contrary to him, I don´t think you are specifically trying to ruin his life. If you are… no idea what I´ll do then, so you better not be. I´m looking after him as soon as I´m finished here and I´m really hoping Cassie makes it out alive, because that´s kind of what my position on this is based on and also I´m not very good at fixing broken people"

Gabriel pauses for a moment and Michael barely resists the urge to hug his little brother, who managed to go from downright scaring Michael, to way too vulnerable in record time. But right now Gabriel probably wouldn´t react well to physical contact and Michael doesn´t want to scare him away. Not again.

"Where was I? Oh right, end of the world. Funny how we always end up on stuff like that. I´m pretty sure we could have a conversation about apple pie and it would get deeply existential and haunt me for weeks. But seriously, Michael, do you want it all to go kaboom? Because I can´t do that"

And now Gabriel is looking at him expectantly, almost begging and yes, Michael knows he has to decide sooner or later, you can´t play both sides, not in this game, but this is hard for him and Gabriel doesn´t seem to understand how hard it is.

And Michael sighs and puts his head into his hands, the soldier pose crumbling around him, as he let´s himself be vulnerable in a way, he hasn´t been able to for very long and still isn´t sure ever is a good idea.

"I don´t know", he whispers, not daring to look Gabriel in the eye, not daring to think about what he is doing here. "I know I used to want it. Was afraid of seeing Lucifer, but the rest...I was kind of looking forward to that to be honest. It was Father´s plan, so of course I wanted it, but I also, kind of wanted it all to be over. Now..."

"What now?" Is that pity in Gabriel´s voice. Shit, not what he wanted, not what he wanted at all.

"Now?", Michael asks, his voice a bit stronger, but still not daring to meet Gabriel´s eyes. "Not so much, I guess"

And Gabriel opens the bond.

Michael´s first reaction is to recoil out of shock and he already knows he will hate himself for this, but for one second he understands why Gabriel likes to cut himself off. This is way too intense right now, as buried in emotions as he is and while he understands that Gabriel is trying to do a reconciliation gesture, right now he can´t help but perceive it as an attack.

 _Shit, Michael, are you okay?_

He forces himself to calm down and see this as a positive development. Because it **is** positive, he just needs a second to adjust.

 _I´m fine._ _No worse than usual._

He can feel Gabriel´s worry, but Gabriel doesn´t push it, so in turn Michael holds himself back from shifting through his little brother´s thoughts and emotions too obsessively and trying to guess things that can only lead to more conflict.

There is one thing they still have to talk about though and Michael would do everything not to have to do this now, but things are picking up speed, so really what choice does he have?

"Seems like I wanted the apocalypse, but not Lucifer", he begins, already feeling Gabriel beginning to tense up, "and you wanted Lucifer, but not the apocalypse"

"I don´t…" There is fear in Gabriel´s voice, thrown wildly together with guilt and shame, building quickly toward new aggressiveness. "Who told you?"

"Does it matter?", Michael gives back, really hoping his little brother won´t pursue this any further. Otherwise they´d end up in a completely different set of dangerous territory altogether and Gabriel would probably accuse him again of abusing Raphael. Which Michael really didn´t do in this case. "Gabriel, we both don´t want to talk about this, but can you please see, that if you don´t want the apocalypse, you can´t have Lucifer! He isn´t who he was in the garden anymore, he wouldn´t hesitate a second to destroy earth"

"Since when do you care..."

"He wouldn´t hesitate a second to hurt you", Michael keeps going, even though he can feel Gabriel flinch, but this is necessary, he has to do this if he doesn´t want to loose his little brother. "Torture you. Use you. Kill you. Gabriel, please, I just got you back"

"You haven´t seen him for ages!" And oh shit, Michael almost wishes Gabriel hadn´t opened the bond, because Gabriel´s feeling are hitting him like a brick wall.

"And you really think the cage would have made him better? Gabriel, maybe Father was harsh, maybe I was following too blindly..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"...But in any case, we now have a monster on our hands. Maybe we once could have saved Lucifer, a long time ago, in the garden, but we can´t anymore. It´s too late. And the seals will open, you know they will. We can try and hold it back, but ultimately there are too many to keep an eye on, we don´t have a chance. So when Lucifer gets free, I need you on my side. I need..."

 _Okay, first of all I need you to stop crying._

"I´m not crying", Gabriel hisses, wiping furiously at his eyes. "And dammit Michael, you know what happened last time, you tried to push me to choose a side"

"Gabriel, please..."

"Okay", Gabriel suddenly says and Michael´s stomach does a flip, because he can´t allow himself to hope and Gabriel´s inner turmoil is too strong to guess what he will say next, but still…

"Okay, I´m on your side. I need one condition though"

"Deal", Michael bursts out without thinking, the feeling of having won or at least made a point in a millennial long tug war overwhelming him. "Deal, whatever you want"

Gabriel gives a short hard laugh. "Michael, please never try demon deals, they would trick you in a second. I want to talk to Lucifer"

"Oh" is all Michael manages as a response, his strength leaving his body all at once, as if sucked out into a vacuum. "But I thought you said..."

"I did", Gabriel replies quickly. "I really did. I´m on your side. But Michael...you´ve got to give me that. Just one talk. Just a bit of...closure I guess. Michael, at least give me a chance to understand"

No. Absolutely no way. Not that. Anything but that. Gabriel used to love Lucifer, maybe still does, you don´t know what could happen, you…

"Deal", Michael repeats numbly. And if there is a bit of guilt sneaking through the bond, well, Michael isn´t even sure anymore, if it comes from his side or Gabriel´s or quite possibly both.

"Deal"


	9. Lucifer III

Where did it all go wrong?

The eternal question Lucifer has spent an eternity thinking about and torturing himself with way more brutal than the cage ever could, reviving the painful memories over and over again, searching for that one, horrible, cursed moment, from which on they were doomed to walk their path to the end, the moment after which there simply was no chance of it all ending in anything else than fighting.

Maybe they were doomed the moment Father gave him the mark. Maybe they were doomed even before, when Lucifer was given a name that stood out like a sore thumb amongst his brothers, or maybe they were always meant to be doomed in Father´s design and could have never gotten it right, no matter what.

But maybe – and that is the option that makes Lucifer scream and madly hit against the walls of the cage, till he breaks down sobbing – maybe they weren´t doomed after all.

Maybe even with his name, even with the mark, there was a fighting chance and they screwed it up.

That is what really drives Lucifer mad in the cage. The thought that there might have been a chance.

He can never decide definitely on a moment where it all went wrong, but there is a day that always stands out to him as a point where it could have gone right.

If there ever was a chance that is.

He is afraid there was.

It was during the days _before,_ as he later comes to think of them, the days when most of what later exploded into their faces was already waiting beneath the surface, all the ingredients for a disaster ready to be thrown together, but still no one could imagine something bad actually happening.

On the surface everything was like it had been for years. Michael was busy with the little ones, aided by Lucifer. Raphael was the good soul of heaven and Gabriel was running around, refusing to grow up and not being pushed to do it.

Beneath the surface Michael was growing more and more stressed with each day. He had been running heaven on his own almost his whole existence, but in these strange days full of hidden tension, it just got too much. The little ones were keeping him occupied without allowing any pauses in the garden to relax. He grew restless and snappy, often directing his stressed frustration towards Lucifer and Raphael, to not disturb Gabriel and the little ones. Raphael saw the stressed remarks for what they were and didn´t take them to heart. Lucifer however was caught up in his own problems.

The mark was stirring more and more, ripping his defenses apart bit by bit and there was no one there to see it, no one to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright, no one to help him fight his growing inner darkness. The mark had never been so strong as in these days, when Michael could barely spare a glance for him, Raphael was always off, looking after someone else and even Gabriel seemed strangely quiet and hasty, as if he could subconsciously sense the dooming foreboding sensation, that was settling over heaven and was trying to shake it off.

Lucifer was fighting it best he could, but he would catch himself over and over again, thinking in ways that made him afraid of himself. The things he thought about his brothers, about Father, about the whole of creation… No one could ever know. No one could know how dark inside heavens second-born had become, how deep he was falling.

Later Lucifer would chuckle at the thought of what he considered falling back then. That wasn´t falling, far from it. But it was drowning.

Lucifer was drowning in himself, the mark pressing him down and no one noticed.

A few years ago Michael would have noticed immediately. He would have noticed the slightest variation in the archangel bond, come to Lucifer and wouldn´t have let him go, before the younger angel spilled his heart out. Then they would have sat together in the garden all night, Lucifer crying into Michael´s shoulder and Michael holding him, being the rock he always had been for the younger angels and by morning Michael would have had Lucifer convinced that he was strong enough to win against the mark and maybe that believe would have been all it would have taken.

As it was, Michael barely even payed attention to the archangel bond anymore, making it easy for Lucifer to pull himself out of it gradually, in a way that seemed almost natural. He was fading out of their community, their bond, their brotherhood and it was killing him, that Michael never even commented on it.

The day when it could have gone right, was a good day from the start. Lucifer had been dozing against his and Michael´s tree in the garden and was pulled out of his doze by a hyperactive Gabriel climbing on his legs.

"What?", heavens second oldest groaned, the mark making his anger flare up, only to be suddenly quelled when looking at Gabriel´s face. The youngest archangel seemed younger and more vital than he had for years, like he had managed to shake the foreboding sense of doom off and become a fledgling again. And if Gabriel could do it, maybe they weren´t lost yet.

"Can you come play with me?", Gabriel asked, hope brimming in his eyes and Lucifer was up and whirling him through the air, without thinking about whether Michael might need him. (He basically always did these days) "Sure, little one", laughed, while Gabriel was screaming with delight. "Let´s make this day count, shall we?"

They were fledglings again for a day, chasing each other through the garden, revisiting all their secret hiding places and planning pranks on Michael and Raphael. Lucifer knew that they weren´t really gonna play these new pranks – not on Michael at least, the oldest archangel might just rip them apart, if they disturbed his work cycle -, but he laughed about the images the plans were conjuring up in his head anyway, till his stomach seemed to burst.

By the time Raphael was shouting for Gabriel to come and do something useful RIGHT NOW – it seemed Lucifer wasn´t the only one, who hadn´t told anyone about his day off – Lucifer didn´t even feel the mark anymore. He hugged Gabriel, smiling at the way happiness seemed to radiate from his sweet little brother, then sent him off, before Raphael could scream their ears out.

Gabriel ran off, too happy that he had gotten so much unexpected playtime with Lucifer to feel bad about the disturbance now, but suddenly he twisted his head, as if trying to shake something off, then turned back for seemingly no reason at all. _Maybe his future self shouting at him_ Lucifer later thought bitterly in the endlessness of the cage.

"Love you, Luci", Gabriel shouted over half of the garden and while it was anything but intimate, it definitely was one of the sweetest and most innocent love proclamations of all time.

"Love you too, little one", Lucifer shouted back, without thinking and without realizing how strange and unique the moment really was. Of course the archangels all loved each other, but they barely said it out loud, not even Gabriel, who never consciously hid his emotions to anyone.

Gabriel grinned and the next moment he was gone, wrapping a fairly pissed off Raphael around the finger with ease and leaving Lucifer with a warm, fuzzy feeling, that the mark could never hope to defeat as long as it was fresh and strong.

None of them knew how quickly it would all come crashing down now, that this was the last time Lucifer and Gabriel had played like fledglings, that Lucifer was less than a year away from the painful eternity of the cage ripping him apart, that Gabriel´s innocence was about to be shattered and the road that lead to Loki and the Trickster was being laid even now, in those moments of peace.

The end was near and closing in rapidly, but they were blissfully unaware of it and sinking back against his and Michael´s tree, Lucifer decided that this was the day to put all the cards on the table and ask Michael for help. Gabriel had pushed the mark back considerably, but Lucifer didn´t have any illusions about it being defeated. The days wouldn´t be all like this, he would be stressed and the mark would be back and with it the dark thoughts and the anger and by then he would be too ashamed to talk about it to Michael.

No, he had to do it now, while the marks grasp on him was weak and his own self-confidence strong, so he tapped into the archangel bond and called for Michael, in his elevated state not even thinking about the very real possibility that, given the circumstances, Michael might not be happy to hear him.

"Lucifer!", Michael was scolding him, before he could even say anything, cutting through the warm feeling like a blade through silk. "Where were you all day, I´m going crazy here!"

And that was all it needed for the mark to come roaring up again, as Lucifer´s guilt paved a way for it.

"I was looking after Gabriel", Lucifer hissed, shocked by himself how attacked he felt, when clearly Michael was in the right. "You barely do that anymore and he needs someone, you know that"

All to predictably he could feel Michael still on the other end of the bond. Gabriel was Michael´s weak spot after all, his baby and from the way Michael spoiled the little one, you could never guess Gabriel was actually the fourth oldest of heaven.

"Anyway, that´s not the point", Lucifer interrupted the silence between them, although him being the one who had left Michael alone, it pretty much wasn´t his right to decide what the point was. "I need to talk to you. In the garden. Like when we were fledglings. Please"

Michael stayed silent for way to long and Lucifer felt himself going crazy, internally begging for his brother to say something, just _something,_ even if it was rejection, he just couldn´t deal with that silence that had crept between him and Michael and seemed to make up half their conversations.

Because the opposite of love isn´t hate, it never was. The opposite of love is apathy.

"I don´t think I ever was a fledgling", Michael finally said, sounding broken in ways Lucifer could barely even begin to comprehend. "But alright, let´s meet in the garden. I just have to look after Ezekiel and Castiel for a moment, I think Zachariah is bullying them again and Samandriel is still struggling with flying, even though he is more than old enough, maybe I should get Raphael to talk to him and then there is Josiah..."

"Sure", Lucifer said heavyhearted, knowing that Michael wasn´t talking to him anymore. This was Michael making his lists and Michael´s lists could go on endlessly, without him even noticing another person was still listening. "You know what, I´ll look after Samandriel and knock Zachariah into place and you do whatever is up with Josiah and then we meet in the garden, alright?"

Michael sounded way too grateful, considering Lucifer had left him alone most of the day. _He is running heaven,_ Lucifer thought on his way to Samandriel. _He has always been running heaven, he never was a fledgling, he was always just there for us, never stopping, never allowing himself to take some time for himself and no one ever thanks him. Where on earth is Father? Why doesn´t he ever do something, huh? Gabriel is doing more than He does and_ _that´s with_ _Michael letting him run loose all the time._

Was this frustration blasphemy? Was it the mark? Or was it just plain Lucifer, because deep down Lucifer knew he was _right_ and all his other reproachful thoughts about Father were _right_ too. The others just didn´t see it, didn´t see how Father was breaking them all. Wait, was that the mark talking, or him? Was there a difference? Lucifer didn´t know and it scared him so badly, he decided to do the Zachariah business first, because he wouldn´t be much use to Samandriel now.

And was it the mark or him, who thought that a good idea?

He was still in the garden lengths before Michael, even though he hadn´t hurried at all.

"Sorry", Michael gasped, when he finally turned up. "Something got in the way"

Lucifer didn´t bother to reply. Something always did. Michael couldn´t ever catch a break and everyone else was weirdly okay with that, just accepting it as a fact.

"So", Michael said, sitting down under their tree, but never relaxing a muscle, like he was ready to fly off any second. "What did you want to tell me?"

And Lucifer almost told him everything. About the whispers of the mark, about the stuff he was thinking about Father, about the humans, about Michael, that he couldn´t even formulate, because it was too horrible, about how that weren´t really _his_ thoughts, but how he sometimes was afraid they _were_ and how all of this was scaring him senseless. About how he got angry for no reason at all and rued it afterwards, about how he was drowning in himself, drowning, drowning, drowning and even Gabriel´s smiles couldn´t keep that feeling at bay for long.

He almost told Michael about how they really stood, warned his brother of all the landmines, that would explode in their faces later and put the cards on the table about the danger they were in, even if he didn´t understand the true extent of what was going on himself.

He maybe almost saved the world.

And then he didn´t and in the cruelest, most ironic twist of all, the twist that made him screamed and cry in the cage, that made him want to rip Father and the world He had created which allowed stuff like this to happen apart, it was because of love.

Lucifer looked at his brother, really looked and Michael´s tiredness hit him with full force.

No, Michael was beyond tired, he was done, because everyone took him for granted and he never complained, because he really cared about his brothers and wanted them to be happy. Michael never told someone that something was his own problem, Michael was there for everyone, their big brother, more their father than Father had ever been and in this moment Lucifer loved Michael for it with an unparalleled fierceness.

And if Michael could deal with the problems of all of heaven, he could deal with the mark alone. Michael needed a rest and Lucifer was the second-oldest, he should never have let Michael get into this state. No more days off, from now on Michael could rely on him, like he could before it all got too much, Lucifer would be there for him and he would deal with the mark on his own. Michael didn´t need any more worries.

"Actually", Lucifer said out loud, so sure that he was making the right decision and protecting Michael, that it hurt all the more in the cage, oh, how it _hurt_ , "I think I can deal with it myself"

And Michael looked so heartbreaking relieved, even though he was trying to hide it, that Lucifer was all the more sure this was the right thing to do. No one had ever protected Michael, he realized with a pang, it really was time that someone started to.

And even while he was thinking that, he felt Michael´s arms closing around him, pulling him into a fierce hug and the familiarity of it was taking Lucifer´s breath away. This was safety. This was being a fledgling. This was Michael, his beloved big brother and the mark could never ever win against that.

"You know that I am proud of you Lucifer, don´t you?", whispered Michael into his hair. "You know that, don´t you?"

Michael never said I love you. Michael said what he himself wanted to hear most from Father and it was heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. A lot about Michael was heartbreaking and beautiful actually, Lucifer thought sadly.

"Yes, I do", he replied. "And… I wanted to thank you for all that you are doing for us. You are the best brother ever" 

"So are you", Michael replied and for a moment, just a moment, Lucifer wanted to grab his shoulders and scream _Do you always have to share every compliment? Do you always have to share everything? Just take something for yourself for once, dammit!_

He didn´t, but maybe he should have. Maybe he should have done it long ago.

So they sat there, under their tree, sharing their last hug, totally unaware that in what was a blink of an eye in comparison to their previous existence, they would fight each other mercilessly. Unaware of the blood and screams and tears that were to come, unaware of the cage and the apocalypse, unaware that Father was going to definitely leave them and that torture and "reeducation" weren´t far off.

There were a lots of last times in these days _before_ and it takes Lucifer a long time to understand the creepy aspect of the last times he had with his brothers, the last times he really was happy with them.

The last time he played with Gabriel and the last time Michael hugged him were on the same day, the last time a talk with Raphael made him feel safe three days later, but then, Raphael had always been able to hold together relationships for just a bit longer.

Yes, those moment that have become key moments for him are close to each other, but that´s only to be expected. The creepy thing is, how almost unnaturally grand and perfect they were.

He thinks at first he is just glorifying them, but he knows for a fact they all ended in hugs and assurances that they loved each other, something they almost never said out loud. It´s like his brothers were saying goodbye to him, goodbye to Lucifer, to make space for the devil.

Or maybe they were feeling it, feeling the disaster come, even if they could never have named it, even if it was something subconscious, whispering to them that this was the last chance, the last chance to prove that the years in the garden had mattered. He thinks of the way Gabriel shook his head, before he turned and shouted his "Love you, Luci" across the garden. Trying to shake something off…

Something inevitable maybe, something that was always meant to be and they all knew it was and just couldn´t comprehend it until the time had come, because how could they in their perfect little world in the garden?

He thought for a long time that the worst thing would be, that they had a chance of happiness and screwed up, but maybe he is wrong. Oh, it would have been their fault then, Michael´s and Lucifer´s in particular and that would suck, but it would be more of an accident. It wouldn´t have been the ultimate betrayal.

Where did it all go wrong?

The scariest thought of all, that Lucifer barely allows himself to think is, that maybe it didn´t go wrong at all.

Maybe it all went right in Father´s plan.


End file.
